#> then actively asks dean how it's affecting him as they both speak about sam in that infantilising possessive-property way

[aliusfrater]

ive talked about this before but it's kind of crazy that bobby treats sam's psychosis as an extension of dean's issues rather than something sam is actively experiencing

[shipsandlattes]

So I know everyone has already dissected this scene to its core, but it’s taken me a good 48 hours to digest this and I just needed to get it out.

I’m an aspiring actor, I’ve been training for a long time, with a lot of amazing teachers. I’ve watched a lot of shows and shipped a lot of couples. Some of them beautiful and canon, others, well, let’s just say waiting 22 years and counting for acknowledgement, closure, anything, it’s a damn challenge. I’ve seen a hell of a lot of will-they-wont-they’s, baiting, purposeful ignorance, deliberate fake outs, zero explanations, storylines that basically caused canon disintegration, the works.

In saying that, Dean and Cas were right up there on the list with the other “impossibles” because honestly, I didn’t think the writers would have the guts to do it, but I am so f*cking proud they did. It’s safe to say I’ve watched the scene a good hundred+ times already. 

I’ve seen a lot of “controversy” around Dean’s reaction/Jensen’s acting choices and whether or not Dean reciprocates Cas’ feelings, and obviously, I needed to add my own views to the mix.

Just work with me for a minute here.

Dean Winchester is an emotionally repressed trainwreck, and ironically enough, the one that is so full of emotion it hurts to watch. When Cas first starts his speech, he’s confused, really confused because why on earth would Cas start off on a rant now? Billie’s waiting to kill them, he just said he knew something that was more powerful than she was, something that could save them. That’s where he thought this speech was going.

The confusion turns to realisation that it’s a goodbye when Cas starts telling him how incredible he is, how his entire essence is love. Go back and watch the scene again, when Cas says “you’re the most caring man on Earth”, you physically see Dean look down, his eyes searching, he’s actively trying to make sense of what’s happening, he knows what’s coming and you can see him coming to terms with the shock of the words being said to him. He then looks directly at Cas. That look, that was pure shock.

Also, notice how he doesn’t stop Cas from talking? He doesn’t interject, make a joke, doesn’t talk about how there is no time for this now, they’ve got to at least try and stop Billie. He. says. nothing. He listens, he listens like I’ve never seen Dean listen before. Because it’s sinking in now.

When Cas really starts crying, when he says “you changed me, Dean”, you can actually see the pain in Dean’s eyes. He’s no longer in control of his emotions, he’s crying too. He’s never seen Cas like this, so raw, and vulnerable and human. This is the hardest, most emotional conversation they’ve both ever had. They are talking about the one thing that everybody knows, but is never addressed. When it wasn’t talked about, they could deny it, live in the lie. Once it’s said aloud, it’s real and they can’t turn back.

This above series of interactions is the part that kills me the most. The moment Cas says “because it is”, that’s the exact moment of realisation. Look at that last GIF, really look. He’s just worked it out, that he is Cas’ true happiness. He knows what’s coming before Cas even says it. Go back and watch the scene again, they pulled that off so well, the way the music swells at this exact moment. Jensen is giving us everything here, you can see what’s happening in his head - he is Cas’ happiness. He is the one thing on Earth Cas wants and thinks he can’t have. He is the reason Cas is about to die. He knows what Cas is about to say and he’s not sure he’s ready to hear it, not now, not like this. It’s almost a silent plea not to say it, because he knows. Of course he knows. It’s like he can’t quite believe Cas is really, after all this time, finally going to say it.

And because obviously Jensen decided that that wasn’t enough to break us, the loaded reaction when Cas says “I love you” has me nothing but convinced that it’s reciprocated. Because Dean knows. He’s always known. Those tears, that head tilt, that gulp. He’s so genuinely confused that they’re really having this conversation. It’s like he can’t quite believe that this is the reality before him because he’s been living in that denial, in that self-loathing and unlovable layer he believes to be true. He’s been under the ‘what if... but it could never be’ umbrella for so long. 

What also makes this real is that there isn’t anyone else around this time. When “I love you’s” have been said before, they have always been able to deflect it, with other people or other words. Now it’s just the two of them. No deflecting, no running away. Dean is forced to hear it, to absorb it, to realise it’s for nobody else but him.

Now, I don’t know if you guys felt this, but when Dean says “Don’t do this, Cas”, he wasn’t just referring to Cas sacrificing himself to the Empty, he’s telling Cas that he can’t just say this, not now, knowing he’s going to die, knowing that Dean won’t get a chance to think, to process, to say what he needs too. I keep staring at that GIF above, Dean is breaking down, I’m almost convinced that Jensen was using an “I love you too, please just stop this” inner monologue for this bit. Look at the way he’s looking at Cas before he realises the Empty has started materialising and turns around. That’s a look of pure heartbreak. Trust me when I tell you, it’s really hard to keep those inner thoughts inside if you’re so in the moment - actually, don’t just take my word for it, read any acting book, ask any actor, it’s so hard to keep that in and sometimes you don’t, and sometimes you do - it’s in both the resistance and the letting go that the gold happens. This my friends, is gold. 

Did anyone else hear “Cas, I-”, well, regardless of whether or not it was an “I” or a very sharp breath, the outcome is the same. Dean’s gone into immediate panic mode. The Empty at one end and Billie at the other, and all poor Dean wants to do is gather his thoughts on not what to say but how to say it. I don’t think he comprehended just how little time he had, he was so focused on what was being said that the reality of the situation caught him completely off guard.

Also, I know this post was about dissecting Dean’s reaction, but can we sidebar a minute to talk about Cas as he pushes Dean out of the way? He’s sobbing, he’s fully crying. That hit me really hard, I’ve never seen Cas cry like that, I’ve never seen Misha get to play that level of emotion before and it was the most heartbreaking thing to watch since The Doctor and Rose and Buffy and Spike, to which by the way, I find many parallels between those couples and this scene.

Speaking of crying, that brings me to this: Dean slumped on the floor, ignoring a call from Sam, sobbing his heart out knowing he’s lost everything. Dean-I’m-emotionally-unavailable-Winchester is sobbing. Maybe I’m wrong, but I don’t recall ever seeing Dean cry like this before either, the sobbing was so evident and piercing in that silence. The look around the room, the burying of his head in his hands, that is a classic writers romantic love trope if I’ve ever seen it, they really pulled out all the stops with this one.

So, to summarise, I think Jensen’s choices and Dean’s reactions were absolutely and utterly perfect. They both did it so well that it didn’t break from character that these two emotionally distant and repressed men are in love and finally voicing it. Jensen barely said two words and still managed to cause mass coronary’s across the fandom. That my friends is what you call a brilliant actor. I bow down to the talents of these two amazing human beings.

Before I leave this novel, I have to say there are now a few things I’m going to need from the powers that be to not screw this up, help me manifest this:

1. Dean gets to reciprocate his feelings to Cas in person. So, I’m gonna need Cas back and a very emotional Dean.

2. Dean to be actively dealing with heartbreak in the next episode (unless they decided to bring Cas back that soon, which I wouldn’t put past them at this point).

3. Sam to confront Dean about his feelings for Cas, because out of everyone, he’d be the one to hit Dean with the truth of his fears. Sam knows. Sam is supportive. Sam sees it all.

4. I’m gonna need some physical affection, cause after 12 years of nonsense, we damn well deserve it. A hug, and not just any old reunion hug, a proper, this is different now hug. A kiss because hello, in love out loud now. Forehead touching, handholding, really gonna need the works here.

5. A happy ending for the two of them, one way or another. We’ve never had one, it’s time.

Okay, have at it now, let’s speak these into existence please.

Note: GIFs are not mine, I did not make them, credit to owners who I’m not sure of, but they’re beautiful, thanks for making them. EDIT: I’ve just been informed that these gorgeous gifs belong to @michaeldean​ and @inacatastrophicmind​! 

[astermacguffin]

What if the Mark of Cain manifests differently when it's imprisoning God and not the Darkness? If the Darkness makes the Mark bearer go insane with unbridled want for destruction, then what does sealing God make you do?

An obsessive desire for creation? Creation to the point of corruption? (Think of the Shimmer from the film Annihilation. Continuous reproduction to the point of begetting alien, cancer-like entities. A refracted, distorted notion of creation.)

Okay, so canon divergence from The Trap. They successfully seal away Chuck, then Castiel bears the Mark. (Jack won't be back until later episodes, so he's not here yet.)

At first, they think he's fine. Cas says he's not feeling any bloodlust just yet. (He does feel a certain itch under his skin. Not a desire to murder, but a desire to do...something. He doesn't tell this to anyone.)

His grace is getting stronger, almost archangel-like (if not more). It's incredibly helpful for hunts, and Cas is happy to feel his wings healthy again after a long time. Sam is happy for him, but Dean is suspicious of things (especially since he's a previous Mark bearer).

After a while, Cas starts feeling...burdened, almost bloated by grace. (After all, he does have access to an infinite supply of it.) He needs to have an outlet for it.

Cas tells them so and Sam suggests healing people. Dean gives the green light on the condition that he remains invisible and he doesn't go Godstiel on them again.

It's a great outlet, and for the first few weeks they start feeling normal again. But unfortunately, healing stops being enough to relieve Cas of his excess grace anymore. The mass healings start to pile up all across the globe and it catches everyone's attention. Some think it's a blessed miracle, some think it's a sign of the end times. They make him slow down on the healings after that.

Without an outlet, however, Cas starts feeling antsy and pained. They brainstorm on possible alternatives. Cas suggests going to Heaven and saving it from collapse by healing his brethren's wings and creating more angels out of consenting souls in Heaven.

He explains Heaven's endangered and dwindling numbers. Sam agrees that it would hit two birds in one stone: relieve Cas from excess grace and prevent the extinction of angels. Dean doesn't like the idea of more winged dicks so he shoots down the idea. Eileen says that since Cas is the one in pain, he should be the one to decide.

Ultimately, Cas defers to Dean's judgment (as always). Sam protests, arguing that he can't just shoulder that pain. Cas replies: "I've suffered worse, Sam."

Cas doesn't complain about the pain for about a week, so for a while, everyone believes him when he said he can shoulder the pain. One day, Dean finds him outside the bunker, groaning in pain as he bleeds himself out, his grace pouring into the ground and sprouting plants. Dean sees this and is finally convinced to allow Cas to make more angels.

What follows then is a series of escalating events:

While Sam and Eileen are practicing their witchcraft for spell they need in a hunt, Cas suggests to enhance Sam's physical and magical abilities using his grace. "It will make the process faster and safer," he reasons. He agrees, but Dean eyes this suspiciously.

During one of their hunts, they encounter a young and freshly-turned vampire. The boy begs them not to kill him, and Cas gives him a proposal. "Promise not to feed on humans ever again and I shall cure you of your hungers and your pains. Pledge your allegiance to me and you shall never be afraid of yourself ever again." The boy agrees, and before Dean could even protest, Cas slices his palm and feeds the vampire his grace.

They argue about the grace-feeding in the Impala. Dean notices Sam's pointed lack of complaints and figures it out. "You're in on this, aren't you? How long has Cas been doing this? He's going Michael behind our backs and you're letting him?"

Sam argues that it's different because Cas isn't making super monsters; he's making them less "monstrous" (whatever that means). Sam's obsession with his own "purity" is key to understanding him here.

One time, Dean catches Cas in his "garden" ("forest" seems more apt with how lush the greens already are) creating butterflies and bees out of thin air using his grace alone.

Reports of the miraculously healed people suddenly gaining new abilities like increased strength, heightened senses, and prophecy start popping up. Some are experiencing phantom limbs, talking about their sprouting "wings."

Sam is becoming addicted to Cas' grace to the point that he willingly lets himself be hurt in hunts just so Cas can cure him. Dean confronts him about this, but Sam just argues that he's "never felt this pure before." Eileenn shares the same concern as Dean.

Hunts are becoming less frequent the more monsters are being "cleansed" by Cas. The world is becoming disconcertingly quiet.

Cas' "garden" is starting to emit this strange aura. The plants and creatures growing inside it are starting to look more...alien.

One of the original angels goes to Dean and tells him of Heaven's affairs. The Host is stable again, but the angels he created are...not exactly angels. They're graced up and they sustain Heaven, but their true forms are "horrifying and incomprehensible, even to an angel." The angel adds that more than 60% of Earth's creatures have already been touched by Cas' grace.

The final nail in the coffin is when Dean catches Cas in the garden fiddling with his angel blade. It's emitting a strange glow, vibrating a subtle hum and looking as if it's liquid, flowing and distorting here and there.

Dean asks him what he's holding. "Oh, this?" Cas responds. "This is the Last Blade. Last, not in terms of time but in concept, for no other blade shall ever compare to it. The spark of creation. Fiat lux."

Dean's heart sinks. Of course. The First and the Last, Alpha and Omega. "Cas...the Mark, I think i-it's scrambling your brain, man."

"I know," he replies, eyes wet and apologetic. It's a small moment of lucidity amidst weeks and months of...whatever that was.

"Okay, okay, so you're still you, that's... that's good. Okay." Dean doesn't know how to approach this. Give him a fight and he'll know what to do, but this? Watching his best friend, the love of his life, be distorted into something incomprehensible? Yeah, this is totally beyond him.

"You know, I used to hate Chuck," Cas says. "How could the Father of All Creation be this angry, petulant child? But," he continues, "knowing what I know now, it's either regressing into a petty child or being reduced to insanity."

"Cas...what are you talking about, man?"

"No mind should bear this burden, Dean. No matter how infinite they are," he says, voice trembling in exhaustion.

(more below the cut)

He continues. "The awareness of everything is the awareness of nothing at all. Imagine perceiving every possible piece of information about the world all at once. Seeing light in all its forms all at once: ultraviolet, infrared, etc. Sensing all the neutrinos zip by, sensing gravitational waves, sensing the slighest bit of seismic activity."

Dean doesn't know how to respond, so he lets him go on.

"Knowledge can only ever be a slice of the Totality of Truth. Truth is absolute chaos, and Knowledge is the partial ordering of this chaos. One can sanely approach Truth only through organized paritions of Totality. Why do you think Chuck is so obsessed with stories? Stories are linear and finite; they're sensible snippets of the endless sea of possible worlds."

"So, what? Are you trying to—"

"I'm not trying to justify Chuck's actions, Dean," he interrupts. "I just want to contextualize them. Chuck's simplistic and repetitive narratives are what they are: manifestations of a chaotic Totality, gone insane trying to understand itself. Looking for simple things to hold on to."

Cas takes a deep breath. He speaks with a shaky voice. "I'm barely holding myself together, Dean. I can feel the universe beneath my skin."

He doesn't know what possesses him to ask, but he does it anyway. "What are you holding on to?"

Cas smiles at that. "You."

They stare at each other for a while, frozen where they stand. Cas, with unrestrained affection in his face. Dean, struck by shock and indecision. It's Cas who first breaks the silence.

"I think we both know what needs to be done, while I'm still lucid enough." Cas slices his palm and lets his blood drip down the soil. He then thrusts the Last Blade into the ground, lifting it when the soil glows.

Dean stared in awe as the ground erupts and a familiar shape rises from the hollow. "Is that.."

"The Ma'Lak box, yes. I also enhanced it with the Blade to be able to house things as powerful as me."

"Cas, wait, maybe we can think of another way to—"

"Dean," he says, calmly. "You know there's no other way. I wouldn't ask this of you if there was."

In any other scenario, Dean would've kept arguing, but even he knows that they're running out of time. Sam's grace addiction is getting worse and all the creatures touched by Cas' grace are slowly mutating into eldritch horrors. Dean offers a shaky nod. "Okay."

Tension visibly releases from Cas' body. "Thank you, Dean." He opens the box and enters it with ease. "When you lock this, bury me with the garden's graced soil. Once I'm under, my influence over the world should dampen."

Dean gives a wordless nod. For a while, they just stared at each other, Cas lying down and Dean trying to memorize every inch of his face while he can.

Cas presses his hand into Dean's left shoulder where his mark used to dwell. "My untainted grace," he whisper gently. "Some of it is still inside you. That's probably why you're not as affected by me."

Dean wants to say, I'll always be affected by you, but he holds himself back.

He takes his hand back, a bloody handprint now on Dean's jacket. "I love you, Dean," he says, breathless.

"Cas..."

"I probably would've built up to that if we had more time but," he makes a surprised laugh, "I am, as you would say, already 'losing my marbles', so."

The air quotes would've been funny and endearing in any other scenario, but it just makes Dean's vision blur up with tears.

"Thank you for everything, Dean. I know we've done nothing but repeatedly hurt each other these past few years, but I don't want to spend a deathless eternity with that as my memory of you. I forgive you, even for the things you haven't forgiven yourself for yet. And I'm sorry for everything, especially for ending things like this."

He should probably wipe away his tears to clear his vision, but Dean can do nothing but stare at Cas in awe, in fear, in grief, in reverence. They're both fully crying now.

"Goodbye, Dean."

"Wait, Cas."

Cas looks at him, waiting.

"Can you...can you say it again?"

He doesn't need to clarify what 'it' means. They both know.

With one last mournful smile, Cas says: "I love you, Dean."

And with that, Dean finally gathers all the strength he needs to shut the lid and lock the box. He stares at it for a while, unblinking. He forgot to ask, Can you hear my prayers down there? But it's too late now to ask.

The box automatically lowers itself into the hole it arose from. Now all that's left to do is to cover it again with soil.

Dean doesn't bother with a shovel. He gently buries the box with his hands deep in the soil, some of it getting trapped under his nails. He continues the mindless task, whispering a tireless series of I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I hope you're okay I'm sorry, over and over between his quiet sobs. Cas is quiet inside the box. No screaming or crying. Dean doesn't know if that's better or worse.

When the final clump of soil is pressed into the mound, he suddenly feels it: a visceral shift that echoes throughout the world. The alien glimmer of the garden dims, and the world corrects its axis. Dean screams his agony into the air.

That's how Sam finds him: sprawled over a mound of soil, crying his heart out. Dean doesn't need to say anything: he knows what happened. He pulls his brother off the ground and brings him inside the bunker.

For the first two weeks, Dean cycles through drinking and passing out in various places in the bunker. If he's not wearing the jacket, he's holding it with close to him. Sam gives him a considerable space to grieve while he monitors the world grace problem with Eileen. The grace mutations have significantly dropped since then and everyone's going back to normal.

Unfortunately, that means monsters are getting hungry again. Sam doesn't want to leave his brother alone after going nonverbal with grief and dysfunctional due to alcohol. Eileen assures him that she can handle hunts on their own and that the hunter network that they're building will lessen the workload.

Sam's attempts to sober Dean up finally work, mostly due to the latter having very little strength to protest. Dean remains sober an entire day for the first time in weeks, and all he can think about is: I haven't prayed to Cas in a while. The longing might have reached him, but never a coherent prayer.

The first time he goes out of the bunker in a while, he heads straight to Cas' garden. Sam's glad that he's finally going out because "the sun is good for you" or something, but he's really only here for Cas. He kneels in front of the burial mound (where a patch of an unknown species of flowers is already growing).

The first prayer he says to him in a while is: I love you, Cas. I should've said it while you were still here. Not saying it out loud and just strongly thinking about the words somehow bolsters him to get the words through.

He's crying again, and he knows he's losing coherency. In his mind, he's explaining about his hangups and his regrets and his continuous denial of his own joy, but one constant remains: he's beaming all his love and affection into this prayer.

He's halfway through explaining all the traits that he finds endearing in Cas when suddenly, he feels it like a snap. If the glimmer dimmed when he buried Cas, now it's as if it was never there in the first place. With an unsettling amount of certainty, Dean just knows that Cas is gone. For real, this time.

"C-cas...?" It's the first thing he's said in a while and it sounds rough in his long unused voice.

"CAS! CAS!!! " He's now screaming, ripping away the flowerbed with his bare hands and scratching the soil away. Tears are obstructing his vision, but he has no time to wipe them away. He needs to make sure that is really gone. His hands are bleeding and he doesn't give a damn.

Eventually, Sam comes running towards him. "Dean! Dean, stop!"

He tries to hold his brother back, but Dean just keeps on clawing away soil. "Sammy, Sammy he's gone, he's not there anymore, Sammy I have to see, please, let me see Cas again, I need—" he breaks into sobs again, and like a puppet with its strings cut off, he slumps into Sam.

"Dean, it's okay, it's okay..." he says softly to his shaking brother.

Eventually, when Dean calms down, he looks at the carnage he's done and starts sobbing again. The flowers, his last evidence of Cas being here, are all destroyed. Now Cas truly is gone.

. . .

When Cas first heard Dean's confession prayer, he was overcome with joy. When he realized what that means, however, his stomach suddenly sinks.

He hears before he sees the Empty arrive, slithering like black goo.

"Wow, were you excited enough for eternal slumber that you wanted a preview?" The Shadow teases in Meg's voice.

At first, he was dreading the Empty, but now that he thinks of it, it's actually the perfect prison for him: a vast, endless nothingness for him to fill with his creations.

And if Jack wasn't in Heaven, that only means that he's in the Empty, and he can't wait to see his son again. Even when blinded by the madness of the universe, he can never forget the joy of being a father.

"Yes," he replies, "I'm actually glad you're here now."

. . .

Somewhere around the globe, Billie drops Jack back.

"Don't worry, kid. You'l reunite with your father very soon."

(to be continued)

[slowpoke-fics]

Lust

Fandom: Supernatural

Pairing: Sam x Reader

Request Summary: something goes wrong and while the boys are on a hunt, a witch casts a spell on her so when they come back, sam is confused on how she’s acting and then realizes that there’s a lust curse on her. he has to get her through that while every touch is magnified.

Warnings: witch, hex? curse? voodoo?, smut, fingering, sam a little ooc, I know I missed some so as always read at your own risk.

A/N: I reread this a few times and I think I really like it, I hope you do too shawty cause I did change it up a bit. @sizekinkshawty I am so sorry for the long wait, I really thank you for being patient.

Your skin was on fire as Sam touched your shoulder, a gasp left your mouth at his touch, not missed by Sam who thinks about making you gasp like that under him. You also had the thought of being bent over the kitchen counter, gasping as he pushed into you, filling you with his-"Y/N? You with us?" You shook your head, nervously laughing, "Oh yeah, sorry, just in my thoughts. How was the hunt?" Dean and Sam slung their bags down, watching as you circled the counter to make your way to the refrigerator. "Pretty simple witch hunt, told you it'd be okay if you stayed here." You smiled at Sam, loving that he wouldn't take no for an answer when he knew you needed to rest after the vamp hunt last week.

"Good, I've got the chicken salad already made, Dean I'm starting burgers now, probably have time for a shower." Dean smiled at you, quickly running to you and grabbing both sides of your face, forcing your head to move as he needed to kiss your cheeks. You giggled a little bit, loving on your best friend by ruffling his hair before he turned to bee line to the shower. Sam had already pulled the salad from the fridge, taking his spot in front of you after pulling out two bowls, filling yours and his up. You admired the way he would always sit with you when you were doing something and he wasn't busy.

You took a good look at him. He was smiling as he scooped out the mixture of vegetables, eyes intently staring at the tongs, making sure not to drop any as he shakes the tongs to drop any loose pieces. Your attention is drawn to his hands as he shakes, his fingers loosely grasping the utensil, veins bulging on the back of his hands, tracing his arms, all the way up to his ruffled sleeve. The red and black flannel fabric strained around his large muscles, up until his shoulder, where the collar of his shirt settled out neatly. Your eyes traced down, his flannel unbuttoned twice, showing you a touch more skin than usual.

You wanted to touch him, unbutton his shirt to show are of his shiny skin, wanted to be lifted up- "Y/n, are you okay? You're spacing a bit." You smiled at him, your eyes back on his, realizing you had no idea what he'd said moments ago. "Oh, yeah, my minds just somewhere else." Sam rested his chin in the palm of his hand, smiling-or smirking-you aren't sure. "Where's it at then?" You blushed, turning back to the burgers, mumbling under your breath, "Somewhere intertwined with yours, I reckon," Sam wasn't sure he heard you correctly, and he didn't want to overstep, so he repeated what'd he'd originally said, "So, this witch had been heartbroken-" you listened to him as you flipped the burgers, still thinking about how big he would be inside of you, rubbing your legs together for some friction.

Sam studied you, watching as you bounced back and forth, not sure what was really going on and not liking being in the dark. "Y/n," his voice a lower monotone, sliding down to your core as if it was his tongue, you groaned at him, a blush rising to your face, "I'm listening, I swear." You heard Sam set something down, "Look at me." You don't know why, but you turned back around, something about that tone of voice calling to you just took control. "What is going on?" he spoke softly, and before you could open your mouth he added, "And do not lie to me." You sighed, "It's personal Sam," you gave a half smile, "it'll be okay." Sams facial features were leaking concern, and you hated that, but you just don't know if Sam feels the same way for you so they're no point in asking for some help when you're feeling this way.

"You tell me everything, I even know more than Dean, and that's saying something, you guys are attached at the hip." You laughed at him, "It's embarrass-" he interrupted you, "Don't care." You sighed, "I'm just really feeling it today ya know?" Sam looked at you puzzled, trying to put the pieces together. You laughed nervously, "I'm horny Sam." His eyes went wide and he stifled a laugh. "Oh!' another stifled giggle, "Uh- wanna talk about it?" A deep blush rose to your face, "I don't think so," you boldly winked at him turning your eyes back to the burgers and thoughts back to how good Sam would feel.

Sam was watching you, before hearing someone calling to him. "Sam?" He looked to you, who seemed unbothered by the noise. "Sam," a touch on his shoulder and he jumped out of his seat, you turned around quickly, Sam looking directly in front of him. "Sam? What's wrong?" You looked around, not seeing any red flags. Sam looked at you, "Yeah, it's all good, I just remembered there might be food in my room from before the hunt." An obvious lie, you thought, but you didn't push it.

Sam arrived in his room, staring at the witch he had met just days ago. "Listen, I told you to never be noticed again. This isn't exactly unnoticeable." The woman laughed, the pit in Sam's stomach grew. "Relax, I mean you no harm. I told you I wasn't affiliated with that woman, we just happened to practice in the same town." Sam was still on guard, "Get to the point." The witch beamed, "I cast a spell on you," Sams eyes widened, the witch spoke instantly, "I told you, relax! I cast a harmless 24 hour spell, it activates whenever you make psychical contact with your soulmate. Once activated, 24 hours later, all will be well and normal, and you'll know for sure. Your soulmate will only be affected by you, any other contact will be perfectly normal."

Sam was struck by an whirlwind of emotions, completely taken aback, not sure what to say. "How? How is that even possible?" The witched smiled, "Oh Winchester, I was not the only passive witch you didn't wrap up, I had lots of help." Sam looked at her for more answers, "Oh come on, please don't make me ruin the fun!!" Sam glared at her, "How do I know this is even true?" She sighed, starting to get annoyed, "It's kind of like voodoo, but calling to your souls," she touched Sam's cheek, "I could sense your pain hiding away from not having her, I just wanted you to know it's true. Blessed be to you Sam Winchester, you know where to find me if it doesn't end well." Like that she was gone. Sam thought for a minute on how to proceed, what was the answer here?

He walked back into the kitchen, stopping dead in his tracks when his eyes landed on you. The hamburgers were sitting on the table, you were leaned back on the counter, eyes closed, head tilted back exposing your neck, Sam wondering the sounds it would elicit to kiss you there. His eyes trailed down, tracing your arm to your hand which was furiously moving against your clit, your hips rocking forward into your hand, "Sam," you whimpered. The whole world changed for him at that moment, his eyes filled with lust, heavy footsteps as he continued to watch your shaking form walking to you. His left hand came to the right side of your face, thumb tracing your cheek softly, your eyes fluttered open, "Sam."

He smiled, lips coming just an inch from yours, his other hand now tangled in your hair, "I'm here baby, I'm here." Your lips crashed into his, his grip in your hair tightened when you nibbled his bottom lip, you moaned at the pain, loving him being all over you. You started to pull your hand out of your shorts, but Sam jerked his hand from your face, holding your wrist in place, his right hand roughly jerking your head back. "I didn't say to stop, do you understand?" You gasped, "I'm sorry, sir." You kept rubbing your clit as Sam moved to your neck, peppering kisses and bites all over you, careful to not leave marks. "That's a good girl."

"Tell me what your thinking about," his hand sliding in the waistband of your shorts, grasping your ass and gently massaging it. "Thinking about your cock pounding me," your breath was heavy, you were so close, "thinking about how I'd do anything you want if you'd fuck me. Wanna be so full of you." Sam smiled, biting your lip, "I'm gonna touch you now, is that okay?"

"Please, Sam," with that he spun you around, your back against his chest, his hand sliding past yours as you continued to rub your clit. His fingers slid into you, stretching you as you moaned, "Oh god, Sam, harder." Sam's other hand came up around your throat, squeezing so you could barely breathe, "Oh, my pathetic little whore, haven't even had my cock yet and you're begging." You gasped for air, your core heating up as Sam moved his fingers deep inside of your, hard and fast, hitting the perfect spot of and over, "yours." Sam loosened his grip on your throat, allow you to speak, "your whore, just yours," Sam's grip tightened slightly, giving you more air than before, your free hand sliding up your torso to gently pull at your nipple, "please, I want to come Sir."

"You wanna come for me?" You moaned, hips jerking out of need, feeling his hard member through your shorts, pressing into your ass. "Better hurry little girl, don't want Dean to see what a wanton little slut you are." He forced your head to look at him, he pressed his lips back into yours as he slipped another finger in you, causing you to cry out, "come on baby," giving you a soft kiss, "I know you wanna be good, show me how good you are." With that, you come, legs shaking, unable to catch your breath as Sam gently lets go of your neck, his hand sliding down to your stomach holding you in place while he gently continued to finger you, letting you ride it out. After a minute of him peppering kisses on your neck, he slowly pulled his fingers out of you, causing you to cry out. "Good girl," he locked eyes with you and he sucked your juices off his hands, "taste so good." You blushed, clearing your throat and starting to move quickly as you heard Dean coming down the hallway.

You quickly washed your hands before Sam, gutting plates out as Dean walked in and Sam washed his hands. You smiled brightly at him. "Glad you finally got off your ass and helped Y/n with dinner Sam," Dean picked as he sat down waiting for a plate. You laughed, "Stop nit picking, it was nice of him," you turned and winked at him, out of Dean's view. You and Sam sat down, not being able to take your eyes off of each other, and only half participating in Deans' conversation as you ate.

After you finished eating, you started to pick your plate up but Dean stopped you, "I got clean up, you made us dinner." You smiled, appreciating him you praised, "Thank you, I think it's time for me to head to bed anyway." You kissed Deans' cheek as he gladly stuck his cheek out to you, knowing your habits, then you turned to Sam doing the same but whispering just under Deans' earshot, "Find me when you want, I reckon we have things to discuss."

You trotted to your room, anxiety filling your body, but once in the safety of your room, you realized that Sam agreed that you're his. You started to get more confident, knowing how you'd felt about him for awhile now, you wondered if you were both too pussy and know you would be together and dare you say-in love?

Yes, you thought, I think so.

[you-cant-spell-subtext-without]

I know we are all discussing the latest episode of Season 16, but I need to wrap up 11 for my own sanity (because there is a LOT to discuss in my Season 12 rewatch already), so without further ado - more rambling for you.

I’m not going to include 11x20: Don’t Call Me Shurley because I think I’d like to do an entire Chuck - arc - series.  Rob Benedict is a gift; that dad mug kills; and I love that the fan theories about Chuck spinning around this fandom for years turned out to be correct after all (WEIRD HOW THAT HAPPENS WITH CHARACTERS EH).  Moving on.

As you will recall, two recaps and many many many crackhead other posts from my corner of super hell ago, I ended the 11x18 recap with this image of Amara realizing...”something” after Dean said Cas’s name (just before she took Casifer with her), Dean/Amara unbreakable connection be damned. Speaking of unbreakable connection this post is partially the AMARA DISSERTATION.  Buckle up.

FF to 11x21: All in the Family; the boys are shooting the shit with Chuck and in the meantime, Amara is torturing Casifer.  Important to note that just recently the actual Cas was enlightened that Dean wants him to cast Lucifer out, so I presume he is a little more active at this point, and that strengthens the following hypothesis.  Look how Amara is looking at Casifer here:

And here, right before she touches him on the chest.

It’s the same look she gave Dean. She’s trying to decipher something; trying to figure something out. 

She appears to Dean in the VERY next scene, to show him how she is torturing Casifer.  But the real point is, of course, to show him how its affecting the physical form of Cas, reminding him its not just Lucifer who is suffering.  It works.  

DEAN 

Amara is – she's in my head. [Sam looks at him sharply] Hey, I didn't ask for it, okay? She just showed up. But she's showing me visions of – of Lucifer. By Lucifer, I mean Cas, and he looks like crap – like she's really doing a number on him.

***Note, yet again, despite the *connection* Amara/Dean supposedly share, all he can think about and talk about is Cas.

And Amara knows it.  That’s the realization she has in 11x18.  Dean loves Cas.  Then, in 11x21 she realizes Cas loves Dean.  So, she uses it to her own ends.  Smart girl.  

Enter Donatello (I love him), prophet of (not) the Lord.  He, Metatron, and Sam set out to rescue Casifer while Dean distracts Amara.  If we start with the presumption she now has the prior additional insight, the following snippets of dialogue hit a little different.

AMARA

This place, this world hasn't been especially easy for you. Why not at least consider my offer?

*********

DEAN

You're right. I am drawn to you. And it bothers the hell out of me, 'cause I can't control it.

AMARA

Then why fight it? What you're feeling is that I am the end of your struggle. 

***AHEM, this was not the FACE CUPPING I requested.

What keeps Dean from having it all?  What is his struggle?  It’s not the monsters or the hunting.  Dean’s repeatedly shown he loves this life; he doesn't want anything else (and the one time he did try it in Season 6, it was half-ass at best, and he left the minute Sam returned to go back to hunting).  Dean’s KEY struggle in the show is internal.  He represses his feelings, pushes his pain aside, resulting in a cycle of self-loathing and anger.  That cycle keeps him from having it all - accepting he can be loved, allowing himself to give his heart to someone else.  And at this point, Amara not only knows that someone else is Cas, she knows that Cas feels the same way.  Girl, welcome to super hell.  Take a damn seat by Sam.

11x22: We Happy Few

I’ll skim through this one so this post doesn’t completely make your eyes bleed due to the sheer length.  

The splicing with the scenes of everyone assembling different factions to form the new “line-up” needed to trap Amara is excellent. I’ve already done a short post on the brilliance of Dean heading to get Crowley and the ex-boyfriend mood of it all (Dean, of all people, telling Crowley to sober up gives me an ENTIRE head canon of the Crowley/demon!Dean unseen dynamic in Season 10).   And of COURSE Dean knows exactly what to say to convince Crowley to get on board. I also enjoy our future Sam-witch as the emissary to Rowena (”three’s a coven” would be a great tattoo, TBH).

BONUS:

I love her.

Big fight scene with Amara ensues, but this isn’t the finale so she cannot be beaten.  However, right before she mortally wounds Chuck, she does this:

[Yelling, LUCIFER charges her from behind again, but AMARA flings him hard against a support pillar across the room.]

AMARA

Goodbye, nephew.

[She banishes LUCIFER. CASTIEL slumps unconscious to the floor.]

DEAN: Cas! 

(He rushes AMARA, but she flings him away without effort.)

***She banishes Lucifer.  She could have just killed him.  Ended him entirely, and Cas along with him.  But she BANISHES LUCIFER.  Because of what she learned in the prior episode.  Because of the pain she saw in both of those idiots.

She does this for Dean.

Anyway, thank you Casifer FOR YOUR SERVICE.  I miss you already.

11x23: Alpha and Omega

There is nothing more precious than Dean sending his brother to check on GOD while he goes to check on his boyfriend:

DEAN: [Grunting]

Check on him.

SAM: [kneels next to Chuck]

Hey. Chuck?

[Dean kneels down next to Cas and puts a hand on his shoulder. Cas stirs and looks up at Dean]

CAS:

Dean.

DEAN:

Cas? Hey, is that you?

***All the heart eyes for the reunion!!

*********ALSO SHOULDERRRRRRRR

Chuck is dying, Rowena bonds with him.  Crowley is gold in this finale.  I MISS YOU MARK.  This line is NOT in the transcript/script I used, and it potentially being ad libbed makes it even better.

Dean decides to deal with the end of the world by drinking ONE beer, then deciding there is “not enough” beer and grabbing Cas for a beer (and....*feelings*) run.

DEAN:

You know what? This isn't gonna be enough. I better make a run.

[Sighs]

No reason to die sober, huh?

[to Sam]

You want to?

SAM: [frustrated] 

No!

*********************

DEAN:

Be right back.

SAM:

I'll stay here, find our Plan B.

DEAN:

Okay. Cas, come on.

Nothing makes me more pleased than the assumption that of COURSE Cas is coming with him.  I mean, he just got him back.  Also, Sam is frustrated because he is back in super hell, obvi ;)   

***Now we have the little “you’re our brother” bit in the Impala beer run dialogue, but to me it’s because Dean doesn’t know how else to express what he’s feeling.  Repression, people.  

The look of literal PAIN on Cas’s face at the “brother” line makes me cackle.  Misha Collins DESERVES AN EMMY; he is doing the Lord’s work with his Acting Choices here.

This little part before is what really gets me though, especially with all of the WORDS OF AFFIRMATION:

[Dean and Cas are driving in the Impala]

DEAN:

How you doing? You good?

I mean, you know, the whole Lucifer thing.

CAS:

I was just... so stupid.

DEAN:

No, no, no. It wasn't stupid.

You were right. You were right to let Lucifer ride shotgun.

Me and Sam wouldn't have done that.

CAS:

Well, it didn't work.

DEAN:

No, but it was our best shot, and you stepped up.

CAS:

I was just trying to help.

DEAN:

Well, and you do help, Cas.

***ITS JUST SO LOVELY.  Dean asking Cas how he is doing (what Cas always asks Dean); telling Cas he wasn’t stupid (throwback to Cas telling Dean he was stupid “for the right reasons”); acknowledging that Cas does HELP.  That he is important and appreciated.  THIS IS SUCH GROWTH.  I LOVE IT SO MUCH. Speak his love language, King.

Anyway, then Dean turns into a human bomb because martyr!dean gonna martyr and be “daddy’s (Chuck filling that role here) blunt little weapon” and we get -

THE DESTIEL GOODBYE. Tell me they didn’t actually go canon for the FIRST time here.  I will fight you.

LOOK at Cas watching him in the background. 

These fucking desolate eyes. I’m crying.

THEY JUST GOT EACH OTHER BACK -  

(I recognize this .gif is meh quality but I love that he turns and walks to him and Cas just GRABS him in this crushing hug)

DEAN [accepts the hug good-naturedly but then looks sad]

Okay, okay.

***”good naturedly??? ok Jensen “Acting Choices” Ackles. That is not “good nature” that is BLISS.

AND THEN THIS -

SOBS IN ENOCHIAN.

***I literally had to remind myself that the reunion hug is coming; it’s just an episode away.  I’ll make y’all feel better too; here it is - A PERFECT PARALLEL. Curse this show.

MORE OF THIS “GOOD NATURED” HUGGING PLEASE.

Anyways, back to depressing subtext.  

DEAN:

Okay, look. I want a big funeral.

All right? I'm talking epic.

Okay? Open bar, choir, Sabbath cover band, and Gary Busey reading the eulogy.

*****This scene lives in my mind rent-free as PROOF 15x20 doesn’t exist.

I can’t skip over further growth in Dean’s goodbye to Sammy.

***He’s being serious. Seasons 1-3 Dean would never have admitted this.  I was a blubbering mess at this point.

So, Dean heads to Amara, and the rest of the gang heads to the bar.

CROWLEY:

Your round, Moose.

***I would love an entire bottle episode of Crowley, Sam, Rowena, and Chuck at that bar TBH.

And then, Dean saves the day.  BUT NOT by dying and sacrificing himself, letting himself be used as a weapon of mass destruction.  No, he fixes the DAMN WORLD by connecting to Amara emotionally, and bringing her and Chuck back together, because he understands that not to be alone is what she really needs; that her own struggle is the same as his - letting in love instead of raging against it and fighting her own need for companionship.   Because that’s where ELDEST SIBLING AMARA AND Dean Winchester CONNECT.  Amara isn’t in love with Dean.  She identifies with Dean.  She sees her own feelings in him, her own pain, and that’s why she exorcises Lucifer and saves Cas - FOR Dean.  Amara’s just a Dean girl, everyone.   And we know Dean girls protect Cas at all costs.

Yup.  Amara Dean Girl Darkness Heller.  

That’s it.  That’s the dissertation.

See you in Season 12, where I will attempt to figure out the reason behind the British Men of Letters, killing Hitler, the brain melt that is Celebrating the Life of Asa Fox, the comedy of errors that is Cas playing Dean hot and cold, and the Mary Winchester of it all. 

[formerlyrighteous]

some notes about my dean:

dean will be canon divergent through season 5 and 6 in that he distances himself from sam earlier than he does in canon.

      this starts in season 4 when he returns from Hell by dean going off on hunts by himself, keeping secrets from his brother who is also doing the same (i.e. his activities with ruby), and overall a lack of connection between them. when his brother asks him what he remembers of hell, dean lies. deep down he doesn’t feel like the same person he was before he went to hell yet there’s bigger stakes to consider than the fact that he can’t talk to sam because he has to have it all together. 

post-hell dean is self-destructive, even borderline suicidal because of his belief that what is dead should stay dead. he engages in reckless behavior, adopting a careless attitude toward hunting.

       he doesn’t handle the revelation that he broke the first seal well. in his mind it’s his fault for not being strong enough like john. as castiel said, he doesn’t feel he deserved to be saved because of what he went through but before that he didn’t deserve to die. from his own mouth he admitted during an explosive rage that his father was an obsessive bastard and he doesn’t have an identity aside from devoted son and brother who will sacrifice everything for his family regardless of the personal cost. he's played a role all his life: soldier, brother, protector, then a vessel for michael. who is he when he isn’t any of those but a hunter that’s worth is measured by how many monsters he can take out? that question’s one he has to answer for himself and introspection’s not exactly his strong suit.

dean doesn’t go to lisa after sam ends up in the pit.

      as much as i would LOVE to see him have a happy and normal life, this isn’t how he should have gone about it. he showed up at lisa’s door a mess which wasn’t at all fair to her or ben since he would have had a lot of trauma to work through that should have been done on his own. we’re talking nightmares, panic attacks, you name it. that’s not a good environment for a mother and her son to be in and i honestly think he would have realized this and stayed away. also he can’t expect to just quit and that be the end of it.

hunting becomes a distraction from grief and guilt once sam goes into the pit to an obsessive degree.

     he’d do anything for sam, that’s not a secret. would he break him out of the cage and risk lucifer getting out as well is the question? no, he wouldn’t. the guilt he feels for being the one to break the first seal is combined with the guilt that made him keep his brother at a distance for so long, and both are pushed aside to focus on what he can do. maybe he can’t save his brother or fix what broke between them but he can keep innocent people from dying and he latches onto that, pushing everything else aside. to put it simply, he doesn’t have time to dwell on all the ways he failed. 

his way of showing affection can be abrasive at times

       does this make it less genuine? no, of course not. when he cares about someone, he cares with everything in him but it doesn’t make those rough edges velvety smooth. he’s not the softest person out there but that doesn’t make him heartless. he’ll still fight for you and if he loves you, you’ll know. maybe not with words but actions sometimes speak louder and he won’t change who he is to be someone he’s not. once you earn his trust you earn his loyalty as well but once lost, both are hard to get back. it won't necessarily be impossible but he won’t be as open like he was before either.

[stusbunker]

What Lingers Within: One

A Supernatural Fan-fiction Mini Series

Featuring: Dean Winchester x Reader

Written for: @thisismysecrethappyplace

Prompt: Amnesia

Word Count: 1615 (This was originally a drabble)

AMAZING BETA’ing by: @itmighthavebeenintentional​

Lovely aesthetic and beta’ing by: @thoughtslikeaminefield​

Summary: Reader witnesses the impossible and is thrust into the world of monsters. Unbeknownst to her, Dean has to face the consequences of old choices. Set in season eleven.

Warnings: Trauma as a witness to a show level violent case. Angst.

^*^*^

               All sound morphed into a dense absence, mere gentle rumbles around you as your thoughts spilled over the terror of the last two hours. It was over; you were safe. But that didn’t matter, because your body and mind were still processing, and the weight of the memories fought against your every rational belief. 

               Vampires were real. Stephenie Meyer was fucking right. Well, almost right; daylight barely affected them. The image of Chase, your co-worker, slumped beside the dumpster was peaceful compared to the sight of the monsters as they tore into the girl from the sandwich shop who had stepped out for a quick vape break.

               Somehow you dropped the trash and made it back inside. Sputtering it all out when Katelyn insisted you show her what you were talking about. The cops got called and that was when the real shit hit the fan. 

              They barked at you, patronizing and full of disbelief. Of course, you knew how it sounded, but the bodies told no lies. No one knew what to say to you and so they said nothing. 

              With the rest of the day’s work left for some untouchable future, you got yourself home in a fog. Suddenly trapped in a perpetual state of in-between, you crawled into bed, fully clothed and let the darkness claim you.

^*^*^

               “‘What seemed like a Halloween prank call quickly became a horrific afternoon on the Westside yesterday. Two victims found on the scene were drained of blood and covered in what could only be bite wounds. Police admit to increased drug activity in the area, but’---- yeah, they aren’t going to call it what it is. So, you wanna take it?” Sam called over his shoulder.

               “Vamps with a death wish? Hell yeah,” Dean agreed, leaning over to look at the laptop screen.

               They were on the road in less than an hour, the Impala rumbling east as Sam delved deeper. One name popped up in every report under witness, sinking his stomach. It could have been worse; it could have been in the victim box. Though he had sworn to never speak of her again, Dean needed to know what they were walking into.

               “You know maybe we should just pass on this one,” Sam offered awkwardly.

               Dean recoiled and gave Sam the side eye. “You find something else? I mean, they’re not usually this obvious, but these vamps are dropping bodies, Sam.”

               “Yeah, I know, it’s just--- look, I should’ve read more before we got on the road. But now that I have, I’m not sure this is the right case for--- you.” Sam was digging himself deeper the longer he talked.

               Dean’s eyebrows hitched. “You wanna try that again?”

               “It’s just, the only eye-witness is somebody we know, Dean,” Sam sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose.

               “So--- who is it?” Dean tore his eyes from the road completely.

               Sam pursed his lips and glared at his brother. It took Dean longer to piece together than Sam thought it would, but it had been four years. With everything that Dean had been through the past few years, it shouldn’t have surprised Sam.

               “You promised,” Dean swallowed the rest of the accusation.

               “I know. I didn’t---,” Sam was cut short.

               “Yeah? Well...” Dean trailed off. With a dejected sigh, he rubbed the back of his fingers over his three-day-old stubble. “At least it isn’t an Amara thing she got dragged into.”

               Sam paused over the silver lining, noting how the engine grumbled under Dean’s heavy boot.

^*^*^

               Waking to heavy knocks on your apartment door, you resurfaced. 

               The strain from the day before faded with groggy waking actions. As you scanned your room for the time, you realized you had slept straight through into the next day. You pointedly ignored your phone; work could wait. You straightened your shirt and stumbled down the short hallway, trying to guess who could be on the other side of the door. Looking through the peephole, you were at a loss. 

              Two guys in suits stood outside. Suddenly nervous you did something wrong, you called out. “Who is it?”

               “FBI, Ms. We have some follow up questions from the incident yesterday,” the one with long hair replied. His voice was soothing, so much more so than the police at the scene. 

               The horror flooded back into your mind and you put your weight onto the doorknob to steady yourself. Your eyes closed against the onslaught. You shook your head against the rush of warmth, and took a deep breath as you pulled the door open.

               The two agents bowed their heads slightly, IDs open and eyes almost apologetic as you put on your best listening face. The scruffy one lingered in the doorway when you gestured them inside. They seemed to have a silent conversation behind your back, and you tried not to read into it, playing with your bedhead as you decided to make a pot of coffee. 

All cops liked coffee, didn’t they?

               “Nice place,” Agent Colfax, the long-haired one, complimented.

               “Thanks, I’ve only been here a few months, but I like it,” you replied, leading them to the small table in the kitchen. 

                They seemed to dwarf your minimal furniture, filling a space that you generally ignored. You remained standing as they asked their questions. Not once did they belittle you or what you saw. Despite their bulk you felt at ease, free to answer honestly. They assured you they were trained to handle this type of assailant. They didn’t confirm or deny your assumptions.

               “I think that’s all our questions for now,” Agent Colfax looked to his partner. “Unless you have anything to add, Agent Berkman?”

               The scruffy one cleared his throat; it wasn’t until then you realized that he hadn’t spoken the entire time. “You said you moved here a few months ago? Any particular reason?”

               His voice was like crunching leaves, rich and satisfying in its resonance. Confused by the change in subject you looked to the ceiling for clarity. “Honestly? I had a pretty bad break up and I guess I needed someplace I could make my own.”

               He swallowed. “Sorry to hear that.” 

               He gave you a reassuring smile, but it fell flat. That was until his green eyes held on to yours, almost like he was searching for something. They were bright and attentive, nearly hypnotic. You felt a warmth spread over your cheeks and down your neck, but it wasn’t from embarrassment; it was welcome comfort after everything you had just re-lived. You felt intensely safe.

               “Right--- thank you for your time,” Agent Colfax interrupted, breaking through what could only be described as a staring match. 

                You blushed, pulling yourself out of the trance. You showed the agents out and decidedly locked and deadbolted the door.

^*^*^

               Dean was trying to hide the way his hands were shaking as he opened the driver’s side door. Sam was watching him with something between annoyance and pity, but Dean wasn’t up for the commentary. Seeing her again after so long was like having bricks stacked in his gut while every thought in his head evaporated.

               On the way to the medical examiner’s office, Sam broke the silence. “She seems good.”

               Dean glared.

               “Other than seeing people being killed by vampires, I mean,” Sam finished.

               “Because we just left her place, I’m giving you a pass, Sammy. But mention her again and I will break your fucking nose,” Dean hissed.

               “Whoa, hey! I’m just saying she’s safe in a quiet, normal life, Dean. Isn’t that what you wanted? When you had Cas...?” Sam pressed.

               Dean hit the steering wheel. “I don’t know what I wanted, but it wasn’t this!” Dean’s eyes left the road and speared Sam to the spot.

“I wanted her out of this stuff, man. Not half-broken and alone in a new city crawling with vamps who don’t even play by the rules.”

               “So, we take care of it,” Sam eased off, head tilted and brow imploring. “She’ll be fine, Dean.”

               Dean dragged his hand down his lips. “Yeah, she better be.”

               They sat in silence the rest of the trip, rush hour slowing them down. By the time they scoped out the bodies it was dark. Working a perimeter from the crime scene slowly gave them the location of the nest, an abandoned subway station accessible through a crumbling sewer maintenance shaft. The vampires stood no chance against a revenge-fueled Dean Winchester. Sam agreed to leave the bodies, five in all, as an underground fire would cause an immediate investigation. Who knew when the skeletons would be discovered anyway.

               By the time they got back to their motel, it was too late to buy beer, which gave Dean the excuse to head out for a drink. After showering Dean suggested the hole-in-the-wall down the block. Sam reluctantly let his brother head out alone, claiming he was just going to call it a night. 

               Dean drove right past the bar and Sam watched him do it. They both knew where he was going, it was a practiced dance; build a wall but ignore the window.

               Dean sat in the Impala and stared at her apartment, he even laughed at himself for a spell. He watched the colors from her flat screen shine against the violet night, morphed by the floor length curtains. 

               She always liked a space to have a lot of natural light; she would’ve hated the bunker. That didn’t matter now. She was home safe. But being Dean, he needed to double check. 

               Flask in hand, Dean continued to pine for her the remainder of the night, lost in memories of a time when they were almost happy.

^*^*^

Tags: @flamencodiva​ @dolphincliffs​  @dontshootmespence​ @thoughtslikeaminefield​  @fangirlxwritesx67 @dawnie1988​ @mrswhozeewhatsis​ @cosicas-cuquis​ @foxyjwls007​ @tumbler-tidbits​ @defenderrosetyler​ @ericaprice2008​ @princessofthefandomrealm​ @wingedcatninja​​

^*^*^

Read On: Chapter Two

[postmodernmulticoloredcloak]

Presences, absences. Rowena, Mary, Eileen, Amara in 15x06

The protagonists of 15x06 Golden Time are all women, some physically present in the narrative, some physically absent but there in their absence.

On the level of the plot, the narrative plays with how the two ghost women, first the dead witch and then Eileen, appear in the fight and take their opponents by surprise: two seemingly absent figures that are in fact key players, but there’s more than that.

The episode opens with the witch Jacinda breaking in Rowena’s apartment, and, while the apartment is apparently empty except for the intruder, Rowena is the protagonist of the scene. The young witch is counterposed to Rowena’s portrait: Jacinda is disorderly, chaotic, increasingly frustrated. Rowena’s figure is still, composed, collected. While Jacinda is seemingly being the one in a position of power as she trashes Rowena’s stuff and shatters things, it’s actually Rowena who has full control of the situation. An intruder trashing through her apartment was a situation she perfectly accounted for, and the visible part of the apartment was just a stage, constructed to deceive and punish looters.

Reality and illusion is a strong theme this season, where you don’t know “what’s God and what isn’t”, where Dean and Sam have been put in front of the fact that the world around them is a stage where God moves his pieces from behind the scenes. This episode even contains a Djinn, the creature that most of all messes with your perception of reality. Nothing is what it seems: the young woman isn’t a concerned neighbor, Rowena’s apartment isn’t the abandoned space any witch can come in and steal from, the visible part of the apartment isn’t all there is and is in fact carefully constructed for appearances, the moving truck isn’t a moving truck, the sheriff isn’t human--and Cas isn’t either--, the fight isn’t two against two and isn’t two against three either, Sam isn’t the ignorant nobody Rowena’s legacy would be wasted on.

But let’s get back on track. Rowena is physically absent, but she is the director behind the scenes: she hexed the apartment so that an intruder would die, and set things so that Sam could have access and take what he needed, and she left journals so that her successor could learn from her and use her magic. Rowena’s ingredients and spells save Sam and Dean and bring Eileen back to life. Rowena isn’t physically there, but her legacy and forethought save the day and allow Eileen to come back as a fully living person.

The other woman who isn’t there but whose presence runs through the episode is Mary. Mary has been a “absent presence” since Jack did the thing. The episode that followed her (supposed) death, aptly titled Absence, was all about her presence in her disappearance, and her absence has never stopped existing in the narrative. It’s in Absence, in fact, that Rowena researches the spell that Sam ends up using for Eileen, and the events from that episode are repeatedly referenced by Sam and Dean. The conflict between Dean and Cas, while it has its roots in “structural” issues between them, has arisen from Mary’s death. Mary’s absence still informs the narrative, and silent storytelling techniques also add to making her “present”, such as Dean’s appetite for meat.

@drsilverfish​ has been suggesting that Mary might not be dead, but “misplaced” either mistakenly by Jack (possibly in another universe, as Jack has obviously been a force that messed up with universes since before he was even born), or deliberately by Chuck in a scheme where everyone would assume that Jack had killed Mary, thus putting the “Moriah” storyline in motion.

The hints are indeed there, and this episode is just the culmination. The circumstances of Mary’s disappearance and her supposedly being in heaven are repeatedly referenced (in an episode where Cas, the one who saw her in heaven, goes against a Djinn, the monster that makes you perceive a fake, fabricated reality...), Dean expresses his regret that they couldn’t bring her back (but the spell brings back a woman from water, after a series of multiple episodes rich in symbology revolving water and fire, fire being the element that notably killed Mary).

Even the villains of the episode are a mother with her two children, although one may argue that the witch mother was more of a John parallel than Mary, but even as a contrasting mirror it plays into it. In the other storyline of the episode, we have a mother who is looking for her child. In this case, the presence-absence axis is swapped; it’s the child whose absence moves the plot, but, again, it’s the woman, Melly, who is the “director” of the events in that storyline, as she’s the one who gives Cas the elements to run the case and asks for his help.

So, Rowena is the director of the witch storyline (the mother witch thinks she is, even looking through mirrors like a director looking at the screens where footage is being played, but she’s mistaken), while Melly is the director of the Djinn storyline (although the absence that puts it in motion is her son’s, while it’s Rowena’s own absence that puts the witch storyline in motion).

And Mary? She has never been the “director” of anything, quite the opposite, her entire life being manipulated by God with the one exception of Amara going against her brother’s plan for her. And yet her absence has been a driving force for so long, the force who drove her husband’s and sons’ entire life--John’s revenge quest, Dean and Sam’s upbringing in the world of monsters and hunters. The biggest clue that there’s more to her (supposed) death than it meets the eye is that it’s just history repeating. Mary dies, her absence drives the story: Dean’s revenge quest against Jack (the failure of which really pissed Chuck off), the cleft between Dean and Cas.

The theme of this episode is indeed women who are in the middle between life and death. Eileen and Jacinda are ghosts, existing in the veil between earth and the afterlife, neither one or the other, as both Sam and Jacinda’s mother plan to take advantage of a “loophole” in the order of Death.

Rowena is not there and yet she is, though her preparations is case something happened to her. Mary is not there but she is constantly evoked, and the circumstances of her death are affecting her family. Are they going to be Eileen or Jacinda? Is their metaphorical ghost going to be banished once and for all, or are they going to be restored to corporeity and full presence?

Eileen is reborn from water in a clear metaphor for a mother’s womb. Rowena drew the spirits into her belly in a reverse-birth imagery. Mother and child were the main civilians they helped in 15x01, mother and child are helped by Cas in 15x06...

I want to conclude this with two other women who are not present in this episode, and yet their presence, in different ways, can be felt.

One is Death, mentioned by the witch mother in the foreshadowing-smelling line “show Death a loophole, and she closes it”. And the other is the figure that represented the banished feminine returning, Amara. Eileen was killed by Ketch when his role in the narrative was exactly to be the toxic masculinity dark mirror to Mary and Dean, and now she is brought back in a win against the repressive masculine (also, the witch mother, who tries to oppose Sam’s plan to bring her back, despite appearances, is primarily a mirror for John and Chuck, representing abusive parenting - the older sister might have abused the younger but the implicit enabler of that abuse is the parent, who probably encouraged Jacinda’s spells and made Emily feel inferior and all - and manipulation that mirrors Chuck’s).

Eileen falls in a pattern of figures of femininity and healthy interpersonal relationships harmed by figures of toxic masculinity and abusive dynamics. She is brought back thanks to Rowena’s magic, so I wonder if we’re supposed to read an Eileen--Mary Rowena--Amara parallel. If not really Rowena, then magic/witchcraft.

No one remembers it, but I had massive feels/expectations of a connection between the Darkness and witchcraft, and if the show is actually doing the thing, my heart is probably going to burst and I’m going to die on the spot, I’m warning you.

Anyway. Amara is the cosmic feminine principle who was banished and brought back, and that is implicitly evoked by Eileen’s comeback. And Mary is the narrative feminine principle that was fridged for the plot and Amara brought back. Now magic (the feminine principle that the Men of Letters attempted to banish, remember? We were all expecting Sam embracing magic because it was the perfect “supernatural” parallel to Dean’s embracing of “human” feminine side) brings Eileen back.

And beyond all of this, the woman that the poetic fabric of the cosmos brought back upgraded after she was killed as the consequence of the vicious circle of self-sacrifice in season 12, the same as Eileen. Speaking of vicious circles... what’s round and bad-tempered?

Now to the actual conclusion of the post--there’s another “absence” in the episode, although in a different sense. Dean takes a step back from things, taking refuge in ways to soothe the shock of the latest revelation about Chuck and his newfound nihilism. While Sam drives (figuratively and literally), Dean chooses to be absent from the case of helping Eileen. But then, of course, he intervenes when he’s needed, and in fact kills the two siblings, dark mirrors for him and Sam (unlike the werewolf brothers, it’s Dean and Sam who actively destroy the dark mirrors for the Winchester family in this episode, so who knows if Chuck was behind that.)

Genders are swapped here, Dean and Sam are aligned to Rowena and Eileen, while the witches represent abusive and codependent family dynamics (that one sister chooses not to break despite being given an opportunity to) with the mother, as I mentioned before, paralleling John and Chuck, and the sisters an apparent parallel to Dean and Sam, as Sam tries to connect with Emily, before we realize that their experiences with the respective siblings are on totally different levels.

In particular, Dean burns the body of the older sister. Again, fire and water in contrast, with the figure of abuse burning and the figure of healthy interpersonal relationship and femininity banished by toxic masculinity is reborn from water. Sam does the latter, Dean does the former, two movements that are opposite yet complementary. The negative is destroyed in fire, what killed Mary, the feminine principle of the narrative, in the first place; the positive rises from water, an allegorical womb.

[annieama]

Sam is pondering over Dean’s innuendo about hiring a sexy housemaid. He stopped wishing that his brother will ever look at him with anything but brotherly affection, however Sam can’t stop himself from diving into fantasies of wearing a housemaid’s dress and how his brother will stare at him. Fantasies don’t seem enough and one day Sam succumbs and buys a little black’n’white dress with transparent stockings, woman’s cap and silk panties. Having put the whole attire on, he looks at himself in the mirror. Stockings fit tightly his legs with the skirt’s lower part barely hiding his ass. Quite satisfied with the result he starts to take off a stoking gently, imagining Dean’s hands doing it. Submerged in the process he doesn’t notice how the door to his room opens (so stupid of him having not locked it as Dean hasn’t acquired a habit of knocking yet since they moved to Bunker). ‘Sammy, you won’t believe what I found in the library..’ the end of the sentence left unfinished. Dean stares at him in utter shock, scanning from up to down, his fingers trembling shallowly on the door knob. The silence is interrupted only by heavy breath of both men. Sam can’t come with an explanation for Dean and just decides to continue the dialogue. ‘Mhhm..yeah, what is the book about?’, leaving the stocking slided down his leg and leans on the bedside table, immediately regretting it as his skirt pushes up from this action. ‘Dean might think I’m showing off intentionally, fuck, fuck, fuck..’. His brother seems speechless for ten seconds looking directly at the pushed up skirt and one of the stockings slided down. He clears his throat and says ‘Somethin about big dragons and little damsels..’. and shuts the door, approaching his brother. Standing in front of him Dean reaches his hand toward’s Sam’s shoulder, lifting up one of the slipped straps. Sam’s breathing hitches and he looks down in shyness and embarrassment, cheeks glow with red. ‘You look so nice in it’ Dean murmurs. ‘One of your...stocking needs adjusting’ voice low and heavy, ‘won’t you mind a little help?’. Sam is unable to utter a word. All thinking activity is frozen. He doesn’t care why Dean picked up this game but certainly he won’t discourage him. He nods his head in confirmation. Dean goes down on knees, putting one of his hand on the leg, caressing the inner thigh in the slow motion, takes the rim of stoking with the tips of his fingers, knuckles pressed gently to brother’s skin when smoothing the fabric up the long leg. Sam’s gaze is stuck on the mirror on the opposite wall with the view of his brother on his knees between his legs, broad shoulders stand out against his thin waist, enclosed in the corset. He starts to vibrate visibly at the imaginary picture of his legs thrown over his brother’s shoulders, breathing uneven with parted lips. Sam moves glance on Dean who is in no better shape, licking his lips with his eyes glued on Sam’s face. He nudges his lil brother’s legs spread open more and murmurs something incoherently,

Sam only makes out ‘should check if anything up there needs fixing too’, sticking his head under Sam’s skirt. ‘It is the end’ Sam thinks to himself, ‘Dean will take a look at his rock-hard boner under panties instead of plane womanly softness he is used to and be disgusted’. Instead his hears (and feels) his brother exhaling ‘fuuck’ in a hot puff on his cock. ‘Mm, Sammy, I certainly need to fix this’, next second he feels Dean lips mouthing the length of his cock trapped in silk panties. Sam whimpers and squeezes thighs around brother’s head. ‘Is it okay, Sammy? Do you want me to ..?’ ‘Yes, don’t stop, please’ he registers that his voice is whiny and near begging. Little brother begging. Dean growls and dives in, tongue smearing spit over the length, then encircling his lips over broad part of Sam’s dick, sucking in and sliding up and down. Sam starts chanting ‘ah,ah,ah, Dee, so good’, gripping his brother’s shoulders and head. ‘Sammy, I wanna take off your panties’, ‘Yeah, please’ he replies shyly. Dean uses his teeth, sliding down left and then right part of silk fabric down the hips, immediately taking the protruding cockhead in the mouth, sucking it like kissing. Sam whines and squirms his ass on the table, crossing his legs on the brother’s back, feeling his precome leaking. Dean gathers the liquid in broad swipes of his tongue and swallows down. ‘Tasting so good, baby. Give me more of it’, Sam’s body obeys to his brother as always, releasing more of the liquid on his tongue. ‘Good boy, Sammy’ he hears the purr of the voice. Dean loses his patience, takes down the panties in one motion, ripping them on the seam, sucking Sam’s cock down until it presses the entrance to his throat. He starts to move his head in fast pace, sweeping the tongue around the top of Sam’s dick at the beginning of each duck. Sam can’t last long, feeling the swelling of his approaching orgasm. ‘Dee, I’m going to come’, pushing Dean’s shoulders back. Dean catches his both hands, interrupting Sam’s pressure on his shoulders, sucking his twitching cock down the base. That’s the moment Sam can’t hold back anymore, pulsing the cum down elder brother’s throat, shouting as loud as he never did. Dean takes it like a champ never releasing the hold, moving his head back only when he feels that Sam can’t give him more. Sam’s legs are weak and he is about to go down when Dean catches his hip and stands up, wrapping the arm around Sam’s waist. Sam leans his head and presses their hot lips, leaking the residual taste of his come on Dean’s tongue, feeling the trembling of Dean’s body on parts where they touch. ‘Wow, If I knew the effect this maid’s dress would have on you, I would have bought it much more earlier’ Sam whispers. ‘Effect?’ Dean chuckles. ‘It is not about the dress, Sammy. You look extremely hot in it, for sure’, but the way you sat on the table, looking shy, with reddened cheeks, made me think you are aroused because of my presence. And I took my chances..’ ‘Not the dress..?’. ‘Only you, baby’ Dean looks fondly in Sam’s eyes and asks unsure: ‘So do you want this.. to happen again some day? You totally don’t have to and nothing changes between us if you want’, he speaks fast. ’What I want to say that I loved it and do not mind’. ‘Dean are you asking if I mind you sucking me off again..?’ Dean blushes, ‘yeah, if you want me to..’ ‘No’ he replies and sees the immediate disappointment in brother’s eyes, and hurries to finish his sentence ‘next time I will come to my knees’ palming the bulge in Dean’s jeans ‘and I guess next time happens right now’

[amwritingmeta]

14x14: Dean and Cas and Questioning the Status Quo

Note: I found this in drafts and I believe I chopped it into smaller pieces, but I thought I’d post the whole long thing because it actually ties back to the lack of communication currently happening in S15 and the need to shake up the status quo. By, you know, someone actually speaking words. And the other, you know, actually listening. :) 

Let’s take a closer look at this, because it warrants a closer look, or so I’d like to argue: these two idiots are (and Sam too but Dean and Cas more prominently so in this ep) locked in a status quo that is informed by Dean’s inability to stop believing that what he wants is something he can’t have.

Know what I mean?

Now, I think the dance around this fact in 14x14 is quite elegant, way I see it, and though what exactly the gorgon represents is up for interpretation, the simple facts are:

Noah the gorgon in and of himself is a snake symbol, and per the ouroboros of the title, the snake symbolism in 14x14 might be leaning towards renewal, rebirth and a conjoining of opposites rather than, you know, the snake that brought knowledge to mankind and helped us rebel........ Yeah, kinda good either way you look at it, no?

Noah also Biblically brought the flood, which is a mighty symbol of rebirth, so he’s this double-edged sword where both edges spell renewal

Noah looks at you, assesses you and sees the truth of you, established with the truck driver, his note to Dean and with Jack - a bit of a narrative tie to Michael in 14x01, who blasted onto the scene reading the truth of people’s motivations left and right, and subtle foreshadowing of how Michael will shed Dean and go looking for a new skin *shudder’

Noah enjoys both men and women (yes indeed bisexual symbol and nope I am not the first to point this out of course)

That’s the basic makeup of Noah’s demi-god character, yeah?

Now a bit of a look at the interaction we have in the episode between Dean and Cas. (I have a very strong urge to refer to them as nothing but the two idiots for the rest of this post but) (I shall not)

1. Invisible Cas (and Jack)

It’s rather striking. The first image we get of Sam and Dean breaking through that door together, and alone, only for a mirror moment to come barely a minute later of them doing the exact same thing, only now Cas (and yes, Jack) is stepping through the door with them. *goosebumps all over*

What does it mean? Could mean a host of things. To me? 

Well, Noah can’t see angels. Right? Fair enough, he can’t see either Cas or Jack so it’s not like Cas is special here, not really, but what does Noah represent? I talked briefly in an ask about whether he’s representative of toxic masculinity and how I don’t think he is. 

He’s submitting to his fate, isn’t he? He’d rather not, but for survival’s sake, he doesn’t really have a choice. He’s performing ritualistic killings because that’s what’s expected of him. He’s not taking any real pleasure from it. Not very toxic, especially when compared to Michael the Dick Archangel, who breaks his promise to Rowena and slaughters the innocent’s of the bunker without mercy.

I would say Noah is more likely to be representative of suppression/repression, predominantly suppression in Dean, because oh, man, is Dean tying himself in very knowing knots this episode, and predominantly repression in Cas and Jack, which is why it makes enormous sense to me that he cannot see them.

You see, where Dean is completely aware of his emotions and is actively and consciously suppressing them - which is so fucking unhealthy - Cas and Jack are both shown, throughout the episode, to be unaware of how deeply their unconscious repression runs. I’ll talk about Jack in a separate post, but oh god. It’s lovely.

Sidenote

Suppression is a psychological term for when we consciously push down unwanted thoughts or urges. Used healthily this is where self-control lies, but when an unwanted emotion or urge is ignored out of fear, this suppression tactic can turn into a pattern of behaviour that may lead to unhealthy coping mechanisms (like drinking, casual sex, violent outbursts, addiction to danger etc) *side eye Dean Winchester* and irrational behaviour and lack of self-control due to lack of self-awareness.

Repression is a psychological term for when we push down unwanted thoughts, urges or very often memories into our unconscious, where our conscious mind is protected from having to deal with these particulars, because our conscious mind is kept wholly unaware that these particulars are a part of us. However, these repressed thoughts, urges or memories will push to be recognised, because anything we try to simply forget, that is deeply affecting, will never stay forgotten, and being unable to confront these buried thoughts, urges or memories may result in unhealthy outlets, such as the coping mechanisms and irrational behaviour mentioned above.

(long af)

2. Almost Liturgical

This scene is so incredibly wonderful for setting up Dean and Cas’ attitudes for the rest of the episode. Cas is observant and supportive and quietly brazen in making Dean be honest with him, and Dean can’t resist opening up, not when Cas asks him to. Prompts him to, even.

There’s so much softness from Dean here, and I’d say Cas sees it, and still doesn’t see it at all. Dean’s been looking at him with heart eyes for so long without it meaning that anything between them is developing or, I don’t know, renewing, that Cas just takes that softness and those heart eyes at face value.

There are subtle shifts throughout this scene between them, but the biggest one, to my mind, comes once Jack is back at the table and tells them he’s fine, because Dean then tries to swipe his opening up to Cas, as well as the severity of his reminding Cas of Plan B, aside by being flippant and adding this smile:

Which basically gets him a stern look from Cas -->

--> because no, Dean, Cas isn’t fine with everyone being fine. You can’t just make him be fine with Plan B, because Plan B is anything but fine.

And Dean looks contrite enough -->

--> and, I would say, realising exactly how open he just left himself to Cas’ scrutiny. Feeling exposed and vulnerable and a little raw and this isn’t helped by Cas putting himself in a position of having the upper hand by using a word that’s not in Dean’s vocabulary, because whenever Cas gets the upper hand it serves to remind Dean of? 

Yes, that Cas isn’t his to make heart eyes at.

Because? 

He believes, to his core, that what he wants, he can’t have.

I’d like to shake him. And shake him hard. Because even when Cas, over and over, through his actions and reactions, tell Dean exactly what he’s feeling, Dean still doesn’t see.

And so he goes from the soft expression and full on openness with Cas...

...to that ^^^ detached and Got Work To Do expression.

*shake shake bloody shake*

Now, of course, the fact that he’s being open and making heart eyes and feeling all sorts of things that are scary as all fuck to him and always have been - the scariest thing of all is love, right? - makes him go to great and unnecessary lengths to cover those feelings up to anyone who might be watching him.

And to suppress them to himself.

Stop wanting, essentially. Letting that hope flare that Cas could love him back only leads to pain and pain and pain, because in his low self-worth idled brain, his thoughts are stuck running along the same lines that they’ve always been running along, saying the same thing they’ve always said: why would an angel rescue him from hell? 

Which translates to: why would he ever deserve Cas’ love? 

In his head, he doesn’t deserve good things. 

And he’s perpetuating this conviction out of fear, rooted in losing his family at four years old, a loss that has cemented the belief of how Good Things Don’t Last, and this cementation has occurred in Dean out of sheer ego self-preservation, and Michael now is the ultimate proof of that. Michael in his head. Because Dean said yes. So -->

3. Overcompensation

This is Dean’s default reaction to Cas being in an obviously superior position, no matter how small that superiority might be. In 14x14 it’s something as simple as Cas having a deeper vocabulary and Dean being in the sudden situation where this is revealed to Jack, who couldn’t give less of a fuck, but since Dean just spent five minutes laying his soul bare to Cas, this moment is like a slap back to reality for Dean.

And what does he do?

He does what he always does. He tries to put himself in the superior position, because, truthfully, he knows he never really can be superior to Cas, because, um, angel. Yeah. Can’t really bypass that fact.

This ^^^ is all about Dean desperately trying to cover, trying to act like Cas knowing things beyond what Dean knows makes him, somehow, inferior. 

Look, Dean’s habit of pulling Cas down to Earth is never malicious in intent, but all to do with Dean’s insecurities and, in many scenarios, also directly linked to his falling in love and not believing, ever, for a second, that Cas the angel - as an angel - could or would or should love him back. 

The angle in 14x14, where he makes light of Cas’ superior vocabulary by putting him in with the brainy kids in AV Club - and look at how it sets up for Dean with his next breath trying to impress with his knowledge of Medusa, that turns out to be based in a movie that’s exaggerated the myth for entertainment purposes, which leaves very little of his knowledge to feel as impressive as Cas’ observations regarding the gorgon - the AV Club reference aids in Dean’s suppression of his emotions.

All the while this utter verbal denial of what it is that he truly loves about Cas serves to underline to us how he really feels deep down, and knows he feels deep down, which is why he’s scrambling to cover it up, terrified the truth is written all over his face, the way it is whenever he looks softly, softly at Cas and dares to open himself up to everything Cas means to him.

So instead, in dialogue, he goes:

-- Oh, look at the baby in the trench coat. Not so powerful now. -- Oh, look at the weird, dorky little guy. He’s not a commander. -- Oh, look at the nerdy dude who knows words. He is so not my type.

Yeah, okay, sure, Jan.

Meanwhile, Cas is like The fuck? -->

*darling Cas*

Now, when it comes to not seeing, we are presented with a baddie who eats the eyes of his victim to glimpse the future. Obviously he doesn’t snack on anyone’s eyes out of TFW 2.0, but he does carry a bit of the whole other side to him, where he can read people’s fate, with him in how he interacts with them, doesn’t he? It’s like he reads Jack’s palm, once he has him in front of him. And Dean and Cas?

Well, not the first one to point out that they’re both flat on their backs on the floor by the end of their encounter with the flood. 

I mean, their encounter with Noah. 

Who is actually the saviour away from the flood. Almost like their interaction with him constitutes the way out of drowning, for both of them. Funny that. But I’m skipping ahead.

First -->

4. Regards, Noah

Dean,

I see you standing alone by the truck stop reading this. I see you and the tall man and the red headed witch chasing me. I will always see you. Stop, or I will make you stop.

Regards, Noah

I’ll get back to this.

5. He’s a Lover, Not a Fighter

So, we arrive at the confrontation, which opens with the statement Noah makes of how he’s a lover, not a fighter. Interesting, isn’t it? Because this is truly the core trait of the entire TFW 2.0 --> innately they are not killers, they are protectors; they are not weapons, they are shields.

In the confrontation scene we also get a previously invisible and now not at all invisible Cas focusing on giving the antidote to the victim, while Jack keeps Noah distracted by listening to the fable. 

Cas is mildly on guard about the whole thing and finally comes right out and questions Noah’s motives for telling the story to Jack. When Noah gives voice to what could be read as Cas’ own worries concerning Jack burning off his soul, Cas attacks, because he doesn’t want to even think about the implications of what Noah is seeing, or unable to properly make out, in Jack -->

--> in this context, Noah as a manifestation of Cas’ suppressed fears about Jack’s choices.

Cas being in denial of how serious Jack’s situation is, is given to us in the El Saboros, because we see Jack alone healing himself, burning off his soul, and returning to the table with a ready lie of how he’s fine. Cas might not be convinced, but he’s also unaware of how Jack is still coughing up blood, and if he wasn’t suppressing his constant worry, arguably writing it off as him being overprotective, he’d most likely take actual action in order to stop Jack from walking down the dangerous path he’s stubbornly treading. 

(rather than the righteous path) (*clears throat*)

Back with the confrontation, where Noah very easily disarms Cas (demi-god that Noah is and all), slaps Cas twice, once across each cheek, and then kisses one of those cheeks, effectively paralysing Cas with gorgon poison. 

Cas goes rigid and falls to the floor, unable to move, but the antidote doesn’t work on Cas.

Why does the poison have the same effect on him as on a human, but the antidote doesn’t? Why does it take Jack sacrificing a piece of his humanity in order to tap into his angelic powers for Cas to be released from the poison?

Mh-hmh, let’s look at Dean before we try and answer, shall we?

Dean bursts in and Noah very easily disarms him (Noah can fight y’all) and knocks Dean’s head once, twice against the wall, rendering Dean unconscious.

Let’s glance back for a moment at how we got to here:

Throughout S13 Dean was confronted with toxic masculinity representatives leading right into him saying yes to having the most outstanding toxic masculinity representative literally possess him by the end of the season. S13 was all about making Dean aware of how toxic the ideal he’s modelled himself after for so long truly is, and he did begin to move away from it, this in order to be equipped to recognise Michael’s true colours, once he had to grant them absolute access.

S14 has been very much about confronting the past and all those suppressed/repressed fears and hangups being pushed to the surface. This while TFW 2.0 have all been asked - in not so many words - to find the answer to the question of What Do I Want? 

Dean’s reply to this question in 14x12 is so far from what the narrative is continuously angling for it to be, that only two episodes later that answer is not only nullified, but brings on a possible narrative punishment, because odds are that Jack, through self-sacrifice, is opening himself up to a world of hurt, and if Dean’s answer to the question of What Do I Want? had been different, if he’d reached that point in his individuation process where he could be honest with himself, then the outcome would have been different too.

But he hasn’t reached that point, and so the outcome is what we’re given in 14x14. So, what’s Dean’s answer to the question What Do I Want?

Plan B.

You see, Dean doesn’t believe that they’ll find another way to beat Michael, not really. Dean is humouring the people he loves, but he’s expecting them to be the ones to do all the emotional work and let him go, rather than him doing the necessary emotional work and confronting his fears, collected in the manifestation of his shadow-self: Michael.

Dean’s answer to the question What Do I Want? is to symbolically put himself into the box of societal norms that has dictated his relationship with his shadow-self for his entire life, and drown his ego, his consciousness, with the cycle of unhealthy suppression/repression that the darker side to his shadow-self is responsible for maintaining. (Dean’s suppressed longing for more, for a long and happy life; and his repressed childhood neglect)

Why? Because his fears run so deep that he doesn’t know how to confront them without annihilating his identity. To get to his true identity, though, he must confront these fears and understand the truth: that his fears are nothing but a construct, and that he can choose for them to no longer hold any merit.

6. Shake Shake Shake

Now, diving back into 14x14, where Dean and Cas are both flat on their back thanks to Noah.

So, let’s pull on the symbolical threads I set up at the start of this post. Threads that are very much tied to the Jungian doctrine of individuation, which I first wrote about here and have been reading up on since. (seriously it makes for deeply satisfying study) (Carl Jung was a great man)

Cas

When it comes to his worry for Jack, Cas deals in suppression, but when it comes to answering the question What Do I Want? Cas deals wholly in repression. He is not being honest with himself, and it’s given to us in his exchange later on with Jack, where he talks about humans as burning bright, unlike "things like us”. 

Yes, an unspecified thing is what he identifies himself with. 

He doesn’t identify himself as an angel, which, to my mind, is important, but for him to also step as far away as he can from humanity is equally pertinent because, well, this meta writer does believe that he needs to admit to himself what it is he truly wants for himself before he’ll be able to properly begin the final leg of his journey towards internal balance. 

Noah’s note underlines how he sees Dean, but Noah couldn’t see Cas, and to me this is all because Noah is much more narratively tied to Dean, while serving - as representative of suppression/repression - to narratively highlight these habits in all of TFW 2.0, but there’s another layer to it, where Noah is tied to Cas’ repressed true identity, meaning Cas is blind to his own repression.

(and Jack is blind to his own internal conflict, given to us in dialogue when he yells at Michael - childishly - that he’s not a child) (because Jack still is a kid)

Looking at the setup of Noah not being able to see Cas and Jack, it could be argued that he can’t see them, that he’s cut off from them, because they’re unaware of him, and so he’s unaware of them.

Awareness is key to confrontation. So, to me, it’s delicious that it’s Cas and Jack who grow aware of Noah and go to confront him, allowing him to see them, because it’s the ego’s awareness that allows for any internal imbalance to be confronted and worked through.

Moreover, Cas’ continued unawareness - his inability to recognise what it is he’s actually doing - of his own repression is what is keeping Cas complacent.

It’s keeping Cas accepting the status quo.

It’s keeping Cas paralysed in his own skin.

See what I’m getting at? Cas’ confrontation with Noah is brief, very, very brief, and Cas is disarmed very, very quickly and receives the kiss that paralyses him after being slapped, like a proverbial wakeup call, on either cheek, by the representative of his repression.

And, look it, when it comes to the question of why the antidote doesn’t work on him: if Cas had been human, it would’ve.

But Cas - being an angel - needs Jack to help him, needs Jack to burn off a piece of his soul in order to get the poison out, needs Jack to unlock his limbs and get him out of the paralysis. 

Jack, who in 14x08, was shown to be such an incredibly important tool for Cas’ individuation, since Jack is the one who symbolically (and literally) woke him, making Cas aware of his shadow-self.

And where Dean is unable to face his shadow-self due to his low self-worth making him fear what it will mean for his ego, aka his self-view and understanding of who he is if he were to confront his deepest fears, Cas’ low self-worth is equally exposed through his acceptance of the shadow-self’s threat to come and take him in his happiest moment. Cas doesn’t believe he deserves more, so for his happiest moment to be a point of punishment makes perfect sense to him, and this makes it incredibly difficult for him to break out of his complacency.

Better the status quo than the Empty.

Better a useful thing than daring to consider what would actually make him happy by truthfully answering the questions of Who am I? and Who do I want to be? and going for it.

*shake shake bloody shake*

The poisonous kiss from his repression, and Cas’ inability to get himself out of a state of paralysis without Jack’s help, doesn’t necessarily set up for what’s to come, but to me it does underline what is: as an angel Cas is stuck in a place where, as a human, he wouldn’t need help getting out of.

And this place that he’s stuck in takes a toll on the one person he’s tried, for seasons now, to protect - Jack - and this moment is entirely reflective of - and of course helps set up for - Jack’s choice to step into this exact same position for Dean, when he kills Michael. 

Dean

Oh, Dean.

Old patterns are a bitch. 

Actually, old patterns are turning into his greatest enemy, which gets me all kinds of squeakily excited for him. The lessons he’s been set out to learn for many, many moons now, are, at this point, hitting him so hard over the head they’re knocking him out against a wall.

Dean was fighting his toxic masculinity in S13. Growing aware of the ideal and moving away from it so that he can see Toxic Masculinity Michael for what he truly is, but because of patterns that have informed Dean’s sense of identity ever since he was a child, modelling himself on John and his mode of Feelings are Weaknesses that Will Get You and Your Brother Killed, Dean can’t bring himself to believe that there’s a way out of this confrontation with his shadow-self without killing the ego. Meaning without killing his conscious idea of himself. And because of the fear this brings of losing his sense of self completely, his incapable of believing there’s a way of beating Michael.

Even when Dean is sitting in front of the key to his own faith in the future, and yes, indeed the key to Dean’s faith in the future has always been Cas, and Cas is basically telling Dean that there’s no way Cas is ever giving up on him, and that they’ll find another way, Dean still can’t submit to his own need to believe, because his love of Cas is tethered to just as much fear as anything else, and confronting that fear, his fear of love and having hope for the future and believing that Cas does or could love him back, brings on just as much of an identity crisis as the thought of confronting his shadow-self.

And it’s all connected, of course. Because Dean’s internal fears don’t exist in a vacuum. But if he dared lean on his love for Cas and the faith and trust it’s always brought him, then he’d find the strength to confront his shadow-self and question all the lies it keeps filling his head with when it comes to perpetuating his low self-worth. Likewise, if he dared push past his identity crisis and begin to question the lies of his shadow-self that keeps his self-worth low, he would begin to feel the faith and trust Cas instils in him, and he’d start to believe in the love that Cas is continuously showing him.

But Dean can’t.

Dean is stuck in the belief that lingering in the status quo, and keeping to what he knows, is preferable, because there’s this huge thing in the way for Dean to be able to do anything else.

And holy fuck it’s formidable how this is now set up. (if I’m right in this reading)

The huge thing in the way for Dean to dare open himself up to his true identity is his inability to let go of old patterns, and 14x14 makes it explicit to me that this inability is rooted entirely in his neglected inner child. 

So what truly needs nurturing and attention and for Dean to grow aware of exactly how much he’s been neglecting it, is Dean’s inner child. An inner child that he’s been ignoring through his repression of his yearning for love. This yearning has been present in him since childhood and he’s repressed it by adopting the adage that feelings are weaknesses, and adopting this very harsh take on love in order to protect himself from a father incapable of providing the affection every child needs to feel truly safe and protected.

Moreover, Dean has been putting up walls to keep out the memory of the horror of his mother’s death and the guilt that’s haunted him and the mistrust it’s produced in him of anything good ever truly lasting for very long, and this, all this, is why he, in 14x14, teases Cas and tries to cover up how he’s really feeling and it gets him his head smashed into a wall by the representative of all of the above fears collected into his lifelong habit of suppression and repression of his true identity.

Noah sees Dean.

Noah will always see Dean.

And the narrative punishes Dean’s inability to break old patterns by having those old patterns knock him out cold, because clearly something needs to happen to shake up the status quo. 

Because the representative of Dean’s neglected inner child is...?

Jack.

And so Dean’s inability to do the shadow work needed, or to fully trust in those he loves, brings about the necessity for the representative of his inner child to step up to the plate and take matters into hand by expelling the manifestation of Dean’s shadow-self, while taking part of it into itself.

Yeah, I know right?

To my mind, Jack swallowing Michael’s grace is set to lead to not very good things.

Well, ultimately it will, I believe, but, oh, there may be quite a bit of glorious turbulence ahead. Or, at least, a huge push for Dean to face his internal imbalance and find a way to start all the emotional work needed if he’s to take full responsibility and stop running.

7. Off With Their Heads

This image is so powerful, because it serves so many possible purposes and can be interpreted in so many different ways, but here’s what I see:

A foreshadowing of the snake in Dean’s head (Michael) shedding his skin

An underlining for what Michael shedding Dean truly stands for: the first step toward internal rebirth/renewal for Dean

A plant for Jack picking up Felix and claiming him for a pet, which is deeply symbolic when looking at what Jack represents in the narrative, and what Jack himself needs for his own progression

But first, we get Sam also thrown across the room, very, very easily, by Noah the suppression/repression representative, because of course, Sam’s got his own shit to work through. Like his inability to take a moment for himself. His codependent behaviour runs so deep that he has no idea who he is unless he has people to look out for. And, good Lord, all the people under his protection getting killed by Michael after Sam insisted they bring Dean back. The internal conflict must be tearing Sam apart. *hands clutched to mouth* It’s not your fault, Sam!!

Once Sam hits the floor without getting knocked out (feels possibly significant here because Sam leading the way in letting go of the dependency and pushing himself into adulthood feels so important for Dean to finally allow himself to do the same) (but we shall see about that) we get Jack cutting off Noah’s head.

And looking at the fact of how Jack is the one to place his hands on either side of Rowena’s head, driving Michael out of her, you might say he cuts the head off both snakes in this narrative, right?

But, as I wrote here, he also swallows one of those snakes down, taking its essence into himself, while keeping a little piece of Noah in a glass box in his room, and so it can be said that he, symbolically, is tied to both symbols (suppression/repression/shadow-self) and is the last snake standing.

So. Turbulence.

Because Jack is no snake.

Jack has felt like a powerful symbol of internal balance for all of TFW and so for this symbol to now be in such absolute imbalance is quite possibly heralding Jack’s own dark arc, which could prove a necessary push out of the status quo that Dean and Cas and Sam are all in. 

Something to shake shake bloody shake them awake already.

Please. And thank you. :)

8. Access Denied

Cas has tried, on more than one occasion on the ride back to the bunker, to heal Dean, but he can’t. He can’t even see what’s going on inside Dean’s head.

*slow eyebrow raise*

Dean’s repression knocks him out -->

leading to Dean’s shadow-self no longer staying suppressed

leading to Dean’s inner child confronting the shadow-self with a declaration of how its not a child

Dean’s inner child swallowing the essence of Dean’s shadow-self down and declaring that it’s now itself again, restored to its former glory through taking into itself the toxic masculinity representative that’s the source of Dean’s repressed longing for love and his neglecting of his inner child in the first place

Oof.

Cas suddenly has no access to Dean because Dean’s repression runs too deep, and faith can’t reach where it’s not welcome, where it’s constantly shut down and mistrusted, and neither can love.

Especially not a faith or a love that doesn’t actually believe it belongs there.

The fucking status quo acting like the barrier it’s always been between these men, the barrier sitting like an enormous obstacle in front of open communication and honesty with each other, but foremost with themselves.

*so frustratingly amazing*

[webcricket]

Remember Rio; or, What is Love

Characters: CastielXReader ft. Dean Winchester

Word Count: 1984

Summary: Castiel has some hesitations early on in your relationship. Thankfully Dean is there to kick him in the ass. One confused celestial, non-explicit talk about sex, cowboys, and kisses.

Dean hoists a dry-rot ridden wooden box to waist-level and hurls it unceremoniously at the floor. The container collapses in on itself upon impact, contents skittering amok in a cloudburst of dust.

Several of the larger knickknacks cease their tumble at Castiel’s feet. He doesn’t bother to look down, too absorbed in inner turmoil of thought to pay any heed to them or Dean’s growing frustration.

The hunter isn’t annoyed about the frantic search through someone else’s collection of crap, it’s in the job description. What he is annoyed about is the angel’s brooding. And Cas happens to still be standing in the exact same spot he dallied in the last time Dean turned around from his present task of tossing a storage shelf in this dimly lit basement in search of some a cursed trinket Sam said they absolutely positively needed to destroy to save the world. Dean has as yet unspoken reservations about the merit’s of his brother’s claim and the moping celestial both. He picks up a delicate vase next – an intricate pattern of pink flowers and thin bright green vines laces the rim – and intentionally drops it arching a speculative brow when the angel doesn’t so much as flinch at the tinkle of shattering porcelain.

Boiling impatience pries apart the bite of the hunter’s tongue. “What the hell, man?” he grumbles. “Are you planning to just stand there all night or are you gonna help me find this damn totem?”

Cas blinks, blues resolving into focus on his friend. “Sorry, I was thinking about the other night.” The other night in question being the night of your third official date with the angel and the very same night you jumped his celestially articulated bones only to have him proceed to politely excuse himself mid-makeout session just when things got heated enough to warrant the peeling off of clothing, leaving you winded, wanton, and clutching his trench coat.

“Come on, you’ve been thinking for three days about something that requires zero thought and all the action.” Dean quells a reflexive roll of his greens, stepping over the glittering shards to clasp him roughly by the shoulder. “What are you so worried about anyway? You’ve done the deed before. With that reaper-” Dean scratches at his chin. “Amy, no-”

The angel respires a beleaguered sigh as Dean runs through a list of potential names. Cas has been trying to winnow down the reasons why he fled for days. It’s not because he’s a fully-functional powered-up angel of the Lord again and all the supposed sexlessness that formality entails. He’s equipped to satisfy a partner in every way a human can, and divinely more. He’s definitely physically attracted to you, so his vessel becoming aroused isn’t a barrier. He wants to please you any way he can, and he understands it’s clear you want to take the relationship to the next step in pursuit of that pleasure. No matter how much he thinks about it, he can’t quite pinpoint the source of his hesitation.

“April!” Dean hits on the correct name with an enthusiastic note.

Cas glares – April not being an entirely pleasant memory considering she killed him.

“What?” Dean shrugs, expression wholly unapologetic in amusement. “For Chuck’s sake, what’s there to think about? It’s not a freaking apocalypse. No one’s life is in danger. It’s just sex.”

“It’s different.” Cas’ jaw tenses around the words. “With April, it was just sex. With Y/N, it’s … different.” He repeats himself for lack of a better descriptor.

“Different how?” Dean squints, closely examining the angel’s stymied expression. He interprets therein the folds of his brow a light bulb revelation. “Well smack my ass and call me Sally, you’re in love!” Dean exclaims, overly triumphant in the revelation.

Cas’ gaze startles wide, creating a mountain-like crag of creases across the ridge of his forehead, then narrows precipitously into the softer ill-defined flatland of genuine bewilderment. The part about loving you is the least confusing aspect of the statement and he accepts it without qualm – with a passive wave of relief even in response to the exact sort of different he could not explain a mere moment before – the reason for the rest of the hands-on proposition to slap Dean’s derrière whilst referring to him as Sally is beyond angelic comprehension. “Why would I-”

“Shut up.” Dean interjects, holding up a quieting finger, halting the inevitable query of why Dean would require Cas to do any of the aforementioned buttock spanking and name-calling and whether this is the appropriate time or place for such an activity.

You choose that instant to mosey on into the dank cellar scene. Cas and Dean bickering like an old married couple about what you assume to be utter nonsense is nothing new; you’d be worried if they weren’t verbally sparring, static silence on either of their parts rarely bodes well. “Whatcha guys talkin’ ‘bout?” you ask with vague disinterest, surveying the mess for any sign of the totem.

Cas casts Dean a swimmingly deep blue puppy-eyed plea to say nothing.

Dean ignores the appeal. The hunter’s eyes twinkle more than they have right to in the poorly illumined basement; a confident smirk creeps across his face. Bulky biceps tighten the fabric of his grey Henley shirt as he crosses his arms in preparation for the unsolicited relational pot stirring in which he is about to partake. “Sex,” he states, louder than necessary; the sharpness of the single syllable slices the humidly heavy atmosphere; the thick foundation of the walls absorbs any attempted reverberation.

“Nothing,” Cas’ simultaneous utterance muddles Dean’s answer; the decibel of his voice sinks to an Earth-quaking grumble. Blues taking on a chagrinned shade, he shoots his friend a betrayed glower.

Re-crossing his limbs, Dean scowls in recrimination. “Really? You were feeling different about it minute ago. And now … nothing?”

Your mouth gapes into the shape of an unspoken oh. This, this could explain why Cas bolted the other night and hasn’t been able to look you in the eyes since let alone stay in the same room alone with you for more than an awkward minute. You always had your suspicions about their so-called profound bond and standing on the outside looking in it appears you’ve interrupted the discussion of a secretive tryst half of the liaison isn’t ready to openly chat about. “Maybe I should leave you two alone then,” you mutter, failing to disguise the disillusionment lowering your tone.

“You should really stay for this, sweetheart,” Dean reassures, reaching out to catch you by the wrist before you can turn to leave. “It involves you.”

You glance from his gleaming greens to his clutching fingers to Cas’ averted blues and back. You snort a light laugh, one imbed with false lightness of spirit in affront to the crush of disappointment you feel, and swat Dean’s gentle grip loose. You pursue the path of lashing out in lieu of letting either of them see your pain. “Look Dean-o, I don’t care what you think I said when we split that bottle of tequila last summer in Rio and passed out drunk on the balcony, I’m not interested in a cowboy themed threesome with you, or anyone else for that matter.” You direct the last bit at the angel who seems set on stolidly avoiding the interaction in favor of staring at the dusty-beamed ceiling.

Dean’s mouth mutely opens and closes in a vain attempt to formulate a rebuff; his cheeks warm to a freckled tint of pink. He doesn’t remember sharing that particular frolic of a fantasy with you, but also acknowledges with a bob of his head and a swallowed hmm that it sounds like something he could’ve admitted to in uninhibited drunken fervor. Because his best coping skill for embarrassment involves embracing the injurious fact with bombastic confidence, he accepts your personally revealing slight in Dean-branded stride. “First off little lady, you have no idea what you’re missing out on. And secondly,” he begins to recall several small snippets of detail, “it wasn’t tequila, it was RumChata.”

Your eyebrows lift. “That’s your take away from that night?”

“Yes. That, and your apparent fetish for ass-less chaps.”

It’s your fault for daring him to remember to stage his self-defense. “Thanks for the reminder.”

“Happy to oblige.” Dean takes a swaggering stride backward and bows. “I’ll leave you two to talk.” His pointed glare toward Cas effectively wields the departing verb as a strong suggestion and prompts you to recall the angel of your affection has been standing there wordlessly observing the entire exchange.

Conversationally contagious blush accosting your cheeks now, you cede to a compulsion to fill the weighty silence between you and the seraph with a throaty hum that never quite evolves into intelligible speech.

“I’m sorry.” Cas speaks first.

You peer up from studying your shoes, shod toes poking the sole of the foot opposite, to take in his fondly tempered features. The intensity of tenderness conveyed in his steady regard somersaults your stomach and frees a flock of butterflies whose fluttering wings unfold inside out to caress your skin with a pleasant shiver; these three days past you missed this sensation only he causes and which you hope never to grow accustomed to.

Given he failed to comprehend the bulk of the interaction he just witnessed, he steps nearer and clarifies for both your sakes the part for which he is apologetic. “Sorry about leaving so suddenly the other night when there was, uh, an expectation of” –his hands seek refuge in his pockets “-um, intimacy.”

“Oh, Cas” –you dive into the hooks of his arms, wrapping the rigid pillar of his vessel in a hug while keeping a carefully calculated platonic distance of a little over an inch between the press of your bodies “-there’s no expectation. No pressure. I just thought, I mean, you seemed into it so I-”

Fingers circling your shoulders, he dips you backward in order to meet your gaze as he speaks, “I was – am – ‘into it,’ as you say. I’ve thought of little else since that night except for how I might explain my retreat and earn your forgiveness.”

“There’s nothing to forgive.” You assuage his worry, assuming the explanation is forthcoming.

Broad palms smoothing to your spine, he pulls your pliant body close to banish the cushion of non-romantic space you created solely for his benefit and for which he determines there is no obvious benefit. Kissing first the top of your head, he perches his chin upon your lovingly consecrated crown. Exhaling a heated breath into your scalp, his lips move against the silken locks of your hair. “Dean, in his way, helped me understand a feeling I’ve struggled to identify. When it peaked that night – overwhelming, exhilarating, the height of a foreign precipice I could equate only with a sense of uncontrollable falling – I feared the unknown dangers it posed to you.”

“To us,” you correct. “We’re either together in this, or we’re-”

“Us,” he firmly agrees before you can finish; the hint of a smile touches his stoic pout.

Wriggling in his delightfully confining grasp, you wind your arms around his neck; anchoring your wandering fingers into the chestnut curls overlying his nape, you guide his forehead down to rest against yours. You know the feeling well to which he alluded; the terror, too, of a new love.

“Love,” he echoes the sentiment coloring your mind. “Yes, love.”

You shudder in surprise against the perceived incursion upon your thoughts and scold him with a mock-scowl.

Again seeking absolution, he teases you with the feathery brush of a kiss upon the side of your mouth; gratitude wells in his angelic heart when you give chase to his lips in order to seal and solidify your devotion despite his missteps; missteps of which he is certain there will be many yet to come.

Castiel tag list:  (Closed, if you’d like to be removed please let me know!)    @jeepangel  @sammiesamness  @willowing-love  @roxy-davenport  @blueicevalkyrie   @im-the-nerdiest-of-them-a11  @thesugargalaxy    @bluetina-blog  @dont-trust-humanity  @afanofmanystuffs  @honeybeetrash  @bucky-thorin-winchester  @superwholockz   @tistai  @wordstothewisereaders  @gill-ons  @mrswhozeewhatsis  @marisayouass  @stone-met   @castiel-savvy18  @samualmortgrim  @trexrambling  @magnificent-mantle  @kdfrqqg  @xdifsx  @moon-and-stars-cas  @mandilion76  @rockfairy  @peaceloveancolor  @unicorntrooper  @anisolatedship  @itsilvermorny  @aditimukul  @kudosia  @goofynerd-67babylove  @uninspirationalsonglyrics  @gray-avidan  @mishascupcake   @mishapanicmeow   @praisecastielamen  @roseyhxnt  @jessikared97  @let-the-imaginationflow  @warriorqueen1991   @sebastianstanslefteyebrow   @hisnameisboobear  @kristendanwayne  @fuschiarulerinthebluebox  @coolpencilpie  @jenabean75  @luciathewinchestergirl  @morganas-pendragons  @heyitscam99  @fangirl-and-stuff  @selahbela  @realgreglestrade  @splendidcas  @pointlesscasey  @i-larb-spooderman  @thewhiterabbit42  @thelostverse  @castieliswatchingoverme  @beccollie18  @dragonett8  @dixie-chick  @jtownraindancer   @carowinsthings  @passionghost  @sherlockedtash88  @futureparent  @gabbie7-11  @myfandomlife-blog  @dreamerkim  @shamelesslydean  @earthtokace  @neaeri  @justanormalangel  @lone-loba  @supernaturalymarvel  @lilrubixx  @wings-and-halo  @thehoneybeecastielfollows  @musiclovinchic93  @81mysteriouslyme  @the-bottom-of-the-abyss  @jaylarkson @pixiedusts  @spookysculderfiles  @laqueus-ludovicus  @missjenniferb @lexininja  @jessiekay2010   @skrratata  @rhiannonj79  @calicat79

[angelkurenai]

A supernatural marvel - Dean Winchester x Reader x Steve Rogers - Chapter 3

Title: A supernatural Marvel

Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader, Steve Rogers x Reader

Warnings: Set in season 13 and Post Avengers: Infinity War, No Infinity War spoilers

Word Count: 6,609

Summary: Imagine being transported in the Supernatural universe, with no memory of your life, where you become a hunter and fall in love with Dean. Only for a very important person from your past to come looking for you and change it all.

Read Chapter 1 here! l Read Chapter 2 here!

“Does that mean we are going to team up?” the smile and hope was hard to miss from Jack's face and your eyes instantly jumped to look at Steve, unable to hold back the spark of hope within you.

“The hell we will.” Dean scoffed a laugh.

“But-” Jack looked at you with pleading eyes “They're just outside town. Wouldn't it be more effective this way? It would be so much easier to win them and retrieve the stone, and then we will see what we will do with it togther.”

“Yeah, if we ever make it there before tearing each other's throat apart.” Dean rolled his eyes and you sighed heavily, knowing how true this was.

“Maybe if you decided to play fair we could-” you started but got a look from the older Winchester which made you roll your eyes “If you insist to act like a five-year-old fine, fine.” you huffed, looking away.

“B-but we're looking for the same thing, it would only make sense that we team up, right?” his eyes found yours again, hopeful but you had lost all hope when Captain wouldn't even look you in the eyes much less acknowledge you anyway. As much you tried to make an effort to change it, he'd only avoid you, and you couldn't afford to think about your feelings with such an important case ahead.

“Jack it's final. We're going our separate ways, and if they don't wanna give answers then that's fine, we're not gonna look for them either.” he gave Steve a side look that made him clench his jaw, making a pause follow for a minute.

“He's right.” much to your surprise it was Steve's voice that spoke firmly yet calmly “There will be no teaming up, simply because this is our problem to deal with and our mission. You have no business with the Infinity Stones, and trust me you wouldn't want to either.”

“No business?” Sam got on his feet, raising an eyebrow “I'm sorry to inform you Captain, but demons have been usingthat very stone to steal thousands of souls from heaven to turn them into demons in our world. Demons ready to cause even more chaos in our worlds. Demons ready to kill many more innocent people in our world. So, yes, it's our problem as well.”

“I'm afraid I gotta agree, Sam.” it was Natasha that spoke up softly “This is way above your league, you don't know what it's really like messing with those stones.”

“Let me guess, Biblical? Huge? Cosmic?” Dean raised an eyebrow, shrugging his shoulders “Yeah, been there, done that. See, we didn't have much problem dealing with God... or his sister for that matter. Heck, I killed death. Literally. I don't think some fancy rocks are gonna do it for us now.”

“Fancy rocks?” Steve's eyebrows raised “Well, those fancy rocks can certainly do so much worse than that... death could have ever imagined of doing, believe me. It's best if you stay out of-”

“He's right.” you breathed out with a frown, cutting him off.

And before he could control it his eyes were on you as you took a deep breath fully faced him, fists clenched but an unchracteristic sense of nervousness in your as well as you looked eyes with his and for the first time after the incident, directly speaking to him “This is our case too, you can't just cut us off from it. Frankly, you don't have the right to. You helped us, you saved us, yes, but we saved you as well, I'm sure you can at least give us that. We wouldn't have made it out of that train station alive if it wasn't for each other. We did it all together.” you noticed how he pursed his lips as if the word held a great importance to him, but thankfully didn't take his eyes off you, allowing you to search for some sort of emotion in him at least.

“And I'll understand if you don't want us to team up, fine. I think it's for the best that we... stay as far away as possible from each other too.” you shrugged softly, noticing the way his fists clenched but he didn't let any emotion show on his face – it wasn't needed anyway “Once this is over, though, because this doesn't mean we're gonna stay out of it. You could avoid us all you want-” you breathed out a soft yet strained laugh that made him glance away for a second as if he'd been caught “We aren't the easiest to work with, I'll admit, but we will get involved, one way or another. Because this is our job, and we never back down from it. Whether you like it or not, you can't avoid it forever.”

“Then...” he blinked, the words dying out in his lips for a moment. And in the few seconds that followed, he really looked into your eyes that he understood the real meaning behind your words and it wasn't certainly just about the case, but more about the unfinished conversation you had even before the bunker.

“It's worth trying.” he said it in that firm and somehow monotone voice, making you wince on the inside because you could see his struggle not just with you but with his own self over the issue. It didn't make you feel any better but you needed the answers real bad. He tore his glistening eyes from you and tried to keep as much of a blank face as possible, and oh you knew that behavior so well. He was trying to keep everyone, even more so you, from seeing how much this was affecting him and, better yet, hurting him.

“Steve” Natasha started almost in a warning yet always friendly voice tone, but he had already put his leader face on, the one that made him look more like a man straight out of war acting like a robot than an actual man. He had already started walking away but Natasha and Sam were reluctant to follow, still confused and with doubts, stood in their place.

“We're heading out, now.” he started in a stern voice, making Sam and Dean share a look at his words “I'm sorry but this mission isn't yours anymore, and it's not up to you. Sam, contact Vision, if it's just outside town then they will be able to pick the stone's print, give the emphasis on the airports. Have as many agents as possible on stand-by just in case, the whole compound if possible. Oh and the quinjet, we'll take the stone immediately back home. Nat, you talk with Wanda and tell her to track any traces of supernatural activity on a mile from there. Tell them both to wait there for us, we can't waste any more time, we'll...” he trailed off for a second, looking up to meet your eyes before he blinked and looked away “Be there soon.” he cleared his throat, stopping to face all four of you “I wish this could have happened under different circumstances.”

“Do you?” Dean asked in a rough and sarcastic voice, raising an eyebrow.

The only thing Steve did was cast his eyes down before nodding his head slowly “You're right, but I suppose we'll never be really sure. We are sorry for the trouble we caused, that... wasn't out intention. Consider this only a mistake and believe me-” he held Dean's gaze for the longest, as if he was trying to let him know something more than the differences between them would let him, before his eyes finally fell on you and you saw there was evident longing in them “It's best if things stay this way. For everyone.” he nodded with a forced smile that wasn't a smile at all “It was a pleasure.”

“Including yourself?” you wanted to ask so bad but couldn't find yourself able to breathe, let alone speak. He couldn't be ending things so fast and in this way.

“You too, Captain.” Jack said with a small smile, trying to make this as much light as possible, given how tense the atmosphere was around you.

Before he could leave, Steve turned to give him some sort of smile but finding himself unable too as he just shook his head softly “I'm not Captain America anymore, son. But it was good to meet you.”

And with those last words he was skipping his way up the stairs. So fast and without even turning his head once to glance over his shoulder, in a way that it verified your fears. He just wanted to be out of this place the fastest possible, to avoid you and even more to forget this ever even happened. And if you said, even to yourself, that it didn't make your heart drop, you would be lying majorly.

You hoped your words, even indirect, would have made him change his mind because he had understood very well what you meant. But it seemed that it didn't lead anywhere but heartbreak, this time for both him and you. You watched with almost wide eyes, a lump in your throat that prevented you from breathing and your lungs feeling as if on fire. You wished so bad you could say something more, anything, because it hurt so bad to see him leave... and it confused you at the same time when you couldn't describe why. You knew it wasn't just curiosity, it had to be something more.

“I-” Sam Wilson only sighed, shaking his head before, with a tight-lipped smile, he gave you a nod and rushed after his friend to catch up with him.

“I've got to-” Natasha held her own sigh but she was less willing to let go of this and just forget it all with a fight; so grabbing a pen you had on the table she scribbled down a number on one of the notebooks that lay there too “My number. It's... in case you need anything, even answers.”

“I'll have-” you started but stopped yourself, noticing how she was holding her breath, and gave her a small smile “Sure thing.”

“Alright.” it was so unsure and such a great contrast to the strong woman she appeared to be. She hesitated for a split second but in the end leaned in to give you an emotional, although quick hug, before she pulled away with a forced smile and followed after her friends. You caught yourself taking a step forward subconsciously before you could stop yourself, and you looked down at your feet with a frown.

“Well, what are we waiting for?” Dean started with a small smirk, maybe a little relieved to and you knew all-too-well why although you couldn't feel it yourself “We have a stone to get, before they do, let's go!”

“And you're cheerful again, what a shocker.” Sam laughed softly before you pulled away from both of them.

“Uh give me just one minute, yeah? I gotta get something first.” you said with a small frown, despite Dean's worried look “I'll come find you in Baby, it's no big deal. I forgot my knife, that's all.”

“Alright” he breathed out but with your current situation of dreams, and now passing out, he wouldn't stop being on edge anytime soon. And neither were you, not with these headaches or crazy images jumping in your head and preventing you from telling reality from them.

~*~

“Son of a bitch!” Dean's gruff voice cursing snapped you out of your trail of thoughts.

“Language.” it felt like everything around became silent and you could only hear... Steve? It sounded like Steve. The scene flashing before your eyes was blury but you could tell clearly that it was full of snow, anywhere you looked.

“Widow, you've got three coming for you, watch out!” this time it was your own voice, but you couldn't feel your lips moving “Wait a second, did Steve just say-”

“I know. It slipped!” he defended but you were already grinning. And for some odd reason you could feel that, along with the light feeling in your chest as if you were in some sort of trip and not... fighting? You were actually fighting someone. Who, you didn't know though.

“Please, Stark tell me you got that recorded?” you asked with a small laugh.

“Already done, sweetheart.” it was a voice you didn't recognize this time, but you could hear the smirk in it “And I'm adding it to the playlist right after AC/DC, for sure!” well, he could definitely be friends with Dean at least.

“You're the best! Just add it to my file for blackmailing, yeah?”

“Wait, you really have that for me?” Steve's voice was laced with interest and fear at the same time.

“Baby, I have one for everyone! How do you think I got the entire team not to spill my feeling for you to you before I wanted to? But worry not, yours isn't that large.”

“Well, thank you then, honey.” there was a heavy sigh in it but also a lightness that made your heart flutter, both because of his warm chuckle and even more his next words “I love you too.”

You blinked, not having even realized when you zoned off, pulling down down your jacket's sleeves to cover your bracelets, and looked up just to see him tossing his phone on the side angrily. Taking in a shaky breath to calm down your wildly-beating and not let them realize anything, especially Dean. If things were bad before with your bizarre dreams and became worse with them starting to make sense, then this whole dreaming while with open eyes was the cherry on top. You rubbed your eyes, trying to shake the thought off as your pure imagination even if you knew it wasn't.

You cleared your throat, looking at Dean “What's wrong?”

“Text from Cas, they're on the freaking move. Damn it.” he said with a low growl, making you all sigh heavily.

“But we've only been on the road for two hours, how is it possible?” Jack asked with a frown, looking up from the journal he didn't seem to let go of the past couple hours. The one that belonged to the man of letters who met Steve.

“Well, the sun's rising and they know we're after them, so it wouldn't surprise me if they didn't want to stay in one place for longer than one night or even 24 hours. If the stone is as powerful as... Steve said it was then-” you sighed, looking down at your hands and missing the way Dean looked at you when you hesitated to say the name “It makes sense that they can access heaven and extract all those souls from anywhere.”

“And until they settle down somewhere, what do we do?” Sam huffed, dragging a hand down his face.

“Well, for starters? A stop, the soonest we get the chance. I don't know about you but I need the fuel for both Baby and I, we're low. And after that, we'll keep in contact with mom and Cas who are ont heir trail. Are you kids cool with that or are you sleepy?” he glanced back at you and Jack but you shook your heads.

“I've had my sleep and it was more than enough, but I wouldn't say no to some good-morning donuts and warm coffee to be honest.” you said, smiling softly when you heard a chuckle leave Dean's lips “And while we're on it, no need to be all grumpy huh?” you leaned over the front seats and just put on some music, knowing he wouldn't do anything to change it anymore. First; because he ended up liking every song you chose much to both of yours surprise and second; because you were already past the stage where he pretended to insist on the house rules with you. You knew that deep down he liked you picking the music, so in the end he just gave up and admitted you had equal rights as the driver no matter your seat.

You fell back in your seat with a grin, singing softly along with Dean as Sam only shook his head with a grin at the two of you. For a moment everything seemed normal, at least your kind of normal, until a flash of an image made your smile fall.

“I told you, I'm not a good dancer.” Steve protested with, easily, the most adorable smile you had ever seen on him. But then again, he was actually fully smiling and his eyes were shining brightly that it made him look like a young boy with his first love more than a man who had survived war after war.

“Come on, the song's a classic. And I promise I will be patient with you.” you tugged at his arm and he tried to look like he was resist but in all honesty he was even failing at pretending, let alone resist you or anything you asked of him.

“Alright, you wanna hear it? I don't know a single thing. Come on, (Y/n), I'm gonna step on you it will just be embarrassing.” he warned with a soft smile as he placed his hands on your hips and you wrapped yours around his shoulders.

“Will be worth it. For starters, I love how this blue shirt is already struggling on you, you should wear them more often.” you giggled as he grinned, resting your head on his shoulder “Besides, we've been together for years and I haven't gotten you to dance not once before! Especially in Tony's parties.”

“I suppose you're right on that.” he leaned in to kiss your cheek “After all, I better start practicing for a more special occasion huh?”

You blinked, the scene once more fading away from your eyes. The music was the same once more but sounded more clear and the only image your mind could register was of the sun dusting over Dean's freckles and eyes and taking your breath away in an instant. Despite the heavy weight of uncertainty about your past resting on your chest, you could still find yourself smiling when you looked at Dean and were sure of your future... or were you?

~*~

“Alright, I found some pie in there and I got nougat for... Jack.” you ended up mumbling when you looked up from the bag and found only the Impala and Dean leaning against it with a small smirk “Where's Jack? A-And where's Sam?” you blinked in confusion.

“Went for the coffee and donuts. There's a small shop a couple meters down the road.” he shrugged, helping you with the bag by putting it inside the car.

“But... we could just fill up the car and drive down there. Why would they leave when- oh. Oh.” your eyes widened as realization downed on you and a mere look from Dean only verified your thoughts “Right.” you muttered, looking down at your feet while you felt your cheeks heat up dangerously but missing the soft red color that crept up his neck.

“Yeah” he cleared his throat just as awkwardly as you came to stand next to him and rest your weight on Baby as well “Leave us alone.” he mumbled, nodding his head before biting his lip and looking away.

It only took you a few second of utter silence before you burst in laughter and he followed suit, shaking his head “Damn, I'm just gonna get 'em both back for this.”

“Come on, don't blame them.” you broke into a smile, wrapping your arms around him and he threw an arm around your shoulder and nuzzled his face in your hair.

“Oh I don't. I blame this all on Sam!” he grinned, leaning in to kiss the top of your head “Jack is just following in his steps is all.”

“I agree, he's the one pushing you to get it going with me the most. He hopes that by some miracle you'll take this opportunity and ask me out.” you shrugged and said so casually you earned a wide-eyed look of utter shock from the Winchester which made you laugh “Relax, I'm just kidding. Unless-” he had barely let a sigh of relief before you looked up at him while chewing on your lip with those eyes he could swear could make him do anything you wanted “You'd really want to... maybe?”

The hesitation and uncertainty, but above all shyness and hope in your eyes earned a skip in Dean's heartbeat. For a second he actually got lost staring into your eyes, oh how easy it always for him to forget his own name when gazing back at you, but he decided to focus back on reality. He gave your shoulder a squeeze but when you saw he actually hesitated, you shook your head feeling too embarrassed and almost scared to let the question hang in the air any longer.

“You know what? Nevermind. I'm just- That was stupid to ask.” you cleared your throat and regret washed over Dean when he noticed he got lost in your eyes – and his fear – for longer than he should “Gosh, why did I even say it out loud?” you buried your face in your hands for a second before forcing a laugh out “I think I really haven't gotten enough sleep after all.”

“No, (Y/n).” his voice was rough and a little more urgent than he would have liked it but he couldn't take it back, so he just sighed heavily and confessed in a gruff voice “You could find so much better, sweetheart.”

“Better?” you whispered “Better than who? ...You?” you raised an eyebrow before shaking your head with a bitter laugh from what you could only see as a rejection “Like there is anyone better than you out there, to begin with.”

“I'm sure you can always find someone. Get that picture perfect house with a white picket fence, hell even a freaking dog if you want to. A normal and boring 9 to 5 job, the whole package.” he looked ahead of him, not daring to meet your eyes for fear that you could see how hard it was for him to say those words without including himself in the picture “Anytime you want to.”

“You say that as if I deserve it.” you whispered, your eyes casting down “Hell, Dean, I could barely be worthy of a man as incredible as you, what makes you think I could also get that kind of life if I wanted to?”

“Because-” he licked his lips, throwing an arm over your shoulders and bringing you close to him again, because even the few inches of distance were a torture for him “You deserve the fuckin' world, princess.”

“But I don't want the world.” you whispered, your face resting on his chest. You wanted to add so bad 'I only want you.'but you couldn't find the courage to say that.

“Well, you're gonna get it one day, you'll see.” he whispered, leaning in to kiss your forehead before clearing his throat “How's your head by the way? Any headaches now?”

“Not really. Everything's fine... or at least I know it will be, so long as I have you... and Sammy, Cas, Jack and Mary of course. You know, the whole squad.”

The way his heart leapt to his throat was undeniable but he tried not to let it show “That's for sure, especially with the source of our headaches as far away as possible.”

You rolled your eyes but did smile at him “Steve didn't give me any headaches, Dean. I don't think so, to be honest, and I don't think he wanted to anyway... He seemed really troubled himself, especially if he's had to go through war. I think you know that better than anyone how that feels like.” you defended him

Much to your surprise he shrugged softly, deciding not to say something against him because in all honestly worry, doubt and even more – deep down – a hint of jealousy wasn't clouding his judgment anymore “I don't know what's really going on with that guy, it was hard to figure out, but honestly? I really think he's a good man. Infuriating-” he pointed out but nodded his head nonetheless “But still a good man. Hopefully everything will sort out for him.”

“Yeah, he is.” you whispered with a small smile, admiring the way he spoke about him and how honest he was “Just like you.” you added softly as he leaned in to kiss your temple with a soft grin.

“Anyway, things are better now. The way they should be.” you looked between the two of you “And I only have a small headache but only because of lack of sleep. Or better yet-” you put on a soft smile as you looked up at him “Lack of good sleep because I was missin' my favorite pillow. I tell you, sleep isn't gonna be the same for me without you anymore.”

You had shared a bed before a couple times before on hunts, but sleeping with him in his room in the bunker made it all feel so much more real and... domestic. The bunker was your home anymore, and spending a night in his room where everything smelled or spoke of Dean and every sie of his, made you feel more like a couple than any other motel room... although it sadly wasn't true.

“You tell me.” his chest rumbled with a chuckle “I don't think I'll ever be able to sleep for more than one hour without you, sweetheart.” he tucked a few strands out of your face, his thumb brushing over your cheek that was starting to warm up “So, now that I think about it, you're pretty much stuck with me for life.”

“Well, that's not necessarily a bad thing.” you grinned, wrapping your arms around his arm as your one hand took gentle hold of his, before you whispered “Because I wasn't planning on it.”

“Really?” he asked with a boyish grin, raising an eyebrow “And were you ever planning to let me know?”

“Hmh” you thought about it for a minute “No, not really. I'd probably just move all of my clothes into your closet, most of which are also your flannels so no problem there, we can share them!” the mere suggestion was enough to make his grin widen, because gosh did he love the way you looked in his clothes “And I'll bring over my pillow and floral blankets which you won't dare complain about, because you know they're my fave, and just move into your room. And you won't say a thing because, think about it, I'll cook breakfast and bring it over to you in bed! Not to mention the warm cuddles you'll have with me... and Princess!”

A groan instantly left his lips as he threw his head back, so over-dramatically e made you laugh “No, not your stuffed animals. Please not those! We barely have room in there for your books, how will we fit all of them in there?”

“Come on, D!” you giggled “You bought Princess for me anyway, in case you forgot that.” you smirked and he couldn't fight his grin “Besides, how much space can they even take up? I got barely four of them anyway, from Cas or Jack, you don't throw gifts away. And, it's not like I'm gonna bring Kong in your room anyway, no, he'll stay in mine.” you shrugged, mentioning the huge teddy bear you knew -mostly thanks to Sam who wouldn't keep his mouth shut- he had gotten for you but never admitted. He had brushed it off by saying you had a secret admirer when you found the teddy bear in your motel room after a rough hunt and ever since you had not let go of it.

“My goodness.” he shook his head, but his cheeks were hurting from all the smiling and he didn't even try to pretend to be grumpy or serious in protesting “You and your weird names for your stuffed animals.” he rolled his eyes with such a fond smile that you could swear would make your heart beat out of your chest before he got a little serious an “Then how are we gonna have room for the flowers huh?”

“What flowers?” your voice was so small but the the wide smile that you only seemed to reserve for him took his breath away and made the insatiable pull he felt towards you grow even bigger and he could barely hold his hands to himself. You couldn't even comprehend if you were being serious or not at the moment, but you were sure you loved the idea more than anything and you wished one day it could come true.

“Well-” he licked his lips, giving you a boyish grin “Flowers, you know, like sunflowers, roses, lilies, daisies. Anything that I feel like and that you'd like. I mean-” he shrugged casually “I should find a way to thank you for the wonderful breakfast on bed, right? And the cuddles of course!”

“Of course.” you nodded your head with a breathless laugh, as your eyes casted down shyly, the both of you feeling that tug at your heart that made you subconsciously lean into each other “Then how will I ever thank you for everything else you've offered me hm?” you looked at him through your lashes, biting your lower lip.

“Well, we have time.” he shrugged with a casual and adorable pout “And for the record, I love the idea of good-morning kisses with that breakfast.”

“You do huh?” your eyebrows raised as you hesitated, but brought your hand to cup his cheek and lean in to kiss the other one, your lips lingering there for longer than they should as your eyes fluttered shut. His hand found your hip where he squeezed with a longing he didn't even know he had in him.

“Close enough.” he whispered in a rough voice.

You didn't pull away as you whispered the small question of “Figuratively or literally?” when you noticed that your lips had been only a couple inches away from his lips. You'd been dying for a sign from him, so if he said that he wanted you to kiss them you wouldn't even blink before you savored those full lips, that stayed parted and so tempting for a moment, until-

Your phone rang. You both sighed heavily and pulled away from each other, letting your hands fall to your sides as you took out your phone “It's Cas.” you mumbled with a frown “Why didn't he call you?” you mumbled as he took his phone out, only to see it had no battery, before you answered in the end.

“Hey uh, did-” Sam started in a low voice, glancing at you a couple feet away talking on the phone and noticing your flushes cheeks and even more how flustered his brother was. But when he got a shake of Dean's head in response, he sighed heavily and his smile fell.

“Really? Come on, Dean, how hard can it be?”

“Very freaking hard, ok?” Dean hissed, nervous and on edge because he hated acting like a teenager in front of you yet couldn't avoid it and Sam couldn't understand the struggle “Very. But... I'll make it, I hope. One day.” he cleared his throat before grabbing a coffee and taking a large sip as Sam muttered a “Sure”

“On the road we go, ladies!” you said cheerfully, earning confused looks from them “Seems like we must have the monster magnet cause Cas just said they're coming our way. If we jump in the car right now, we might be able to catch them in town right at nighttime.”

“It's good enough for me!”

~*~

“Cas? Hey.” you breathed out, rushing out of the Impala and towards him, giving the angel a quick hug as he nodded to the three other men 'hello'. You took a look behind him to see an old factory, feeling an unusual pull towards the place. You took a step forward without realizing it, their words becoming muffled until you felt a hand take hold of your arm. You blinked and forced yourself to focus back on reality, realizing it was Jack. You took in a shaky breath, hoping the boys wouldn't notice, and tried to focus on the job and not every cell of your body being so on alert.

“Cas, where's mom?” Sam looked around with a frown.

“She took up a hunt. It was too important to ignore but she is alright, don't worry.” he glanced behind him at the empty factory “They are in there, we need to hurry before they collect more souls and leave. The angels... they're in alert but they can't do much against the stone, the sirens went off last night after they got more souls.”

“Then we shouldn't let them get more.” Sam said with a frown.

“Well, what are we waiting for anyway? Let's go!” Dean urged, taking a step forward before Castiel stopped him, shaking his head.

“There is something else too.” he sighed “There's someone in there, and it's not just the demons. We're, as it seems, not the only ones after the stone. However, I cannot tell if these people will stand in our way or-”

“You've gotta be kidding me.” Dean cut him off with a groan, realization downing on all four of you “Just as I thought-damn it. How the heck did they even find it this fast?” he rolled his eyes in exasperation, making Castiel squint at him.

Your own eyes were wide and a smile had slowly started to form on your lips, unlike Dean who wasn't all that pleased with the fact that you hadn't seen the last of the group yet and seemingly another encounter awaited for you. You couldn't blame him, their presence, and even more Steve's, put another weight on his shoulders and he already had too much to worry about. Sadly, however, your feelings were the exact opposite and it felt like a big weight lifted off your chest, allowing your heart to beat normally again – even if it skipped a beat or two as you thought that after an entire day you were so close to the blue-eyed man again. There was something about his presence that, aside from the headaches, brought a sense of comfort and peace in you that you only were able to feel to a great extent with Dean lately.

But before Castiel could get to question you, a loud explosion caught your attention. Your eyes widened and your head snapped in the building's direction, a shocked and worried yell leaving your lips only by instinct “Steve!”

And before you could even realize it you felt your feet carrying you towards the factory, Dean frantically yelling your name sounded very distant and it was as all of them tried to catch up with you sprinting towards danger. Not that you could think of that or anything else at the moment but the fact that you wanted to make sure Steve was alright and that there was a pull far too stong to ignore.

“No, (Y/n)!” Dean's voice finally registered when it seemed to be too late. You had ran straight into the fight and not anywhere near gracefully at that. Your eyes instantly fell on Steve to see him pinned on the wall, just like Natasha and Sam, by the demons themselves.

“Well, if it isn't Team Free Will 2.0! What's up guys, you missed me already?” the demon you had faced no more than 24 hours earlier looked at you with a grin “I must say you lost some of your gracefulness there, ever since we last saw you. Worry not, it doesn't make you any less appealing to kill.” he took a step forward, towards you.

“(Y/n), go!” it was Steve's warning voice and looking at him you noticed his wide eyes, deep fear and urgency evident in his face “You all need to go!”

“Don't worry, Cap, we've been fighting their kind for years now and we always kicked their asses. It's like a piece of cake anymore.” Dean said with a smirk, drawing an angel blade “They're just too damn stupid to come picking a fight anyway.”

“That's true.” the leader hummed, glancing at Steve, Nat and Sam “No matter how good you're at fighting, when it comes to the Winchesters and the supernatural... nothing can beat that. But don't worry, this will be their last rodeo.”

And before any of you could even have the chance to blink a group of demons all charged at you. You didn't hesitate to jump in action, each of you holding a fight of your own. Just like any other time you'd held a fight with a demon you kept an angel blade close to you and were able to defend yourself. However the demon fighting you managed to knock it out, having more strength than you could have ever estimated, before he knocked you down. You only watched with wide eyes, waiting for the impact of his own knife hovering over you. But it didn't come because Dean stabbed him right before he could lunge at you again.

“Are you ok?” he asked breathlessly.

You barely had the time to give him a nod before he was thrown across the room and slammed on the wall. A scream of his name ripped through your lips as the leader of the demons held him back and walked towards him with a confident smile and Dean's angel blade. It felt like everything slowed down around you, your legs carried you before your own brain could comprehend it as if it was an natural urge to protect him. However, the logical part of your brain wasn't evenfunctioning and when you were finally standing between Dean and the demon you realized you hadn't even taken your angel blade or any sort of weapon. With empty hands you only looked in shock at him. It seemed like you had no control of your body even at that moment. And as he charged at you with the blade you crossed your arms in an X motion in front of you, something that came naturally as if an instinct, and... felt no impact from the angel blade at all.

When you opened your eyes they widened you saw that everyone in front of you had been blasted away, you heard a couple groans but after a couple seconds you could hear laughter, actual laughter, coming from Sam Wilson as he said with a grin “Whoa you guys are so screwed now, Wonder Woman for the win!”

He, Natasha and Steve were the only ones not confused by what was happening. You pushed your sleeves up and noticed your bracelets, shining and extended to the point they reached near your elbow. A gasp left your lips and as you looked up you met Steve's wide glossy eyes staring back at you in complete shock.

You could faintly hear Natasha say with a smile “I knew it. I knew it.” in relief.

But all you could focus on was the the choked word that left Steve's lips, a kind of realization that didn't just hurt him but actually crushed him “(Y/n)”

And it wasn't a question anymore, because now he was sure.

~~~

Chapter 4

A/N: Tags are officially open from this chapter on! If you wanna be added, let me know down below cause my messages are a mess! Also, I would very much love to hear your opinion about this chapter because it really matters about this particular story!

[ain-t-bovvered]

Sorry I’m not that active today .

Cause of death : the new photos of Entertaiment Weekly.

And the video guys...WTF END ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE I CAN’T DEAL

HERE

Here the piece about the 300th episode:

“DAD?”

Standing next to his little brother in the Men of Letters bunker, Dean can’t believe what he’s seeing. This time he’s not enlisting his brother to find Dad, because Dad has come to them. And he hasn’t changed much. His beard has more gray in it and his face is thinner, but it will surprise no one that John comes back with a rifle in his hand. (Sorry, Walking Dead fans; the rifle came before Lucille.) But John isn’t the only one who’s changed. Standing across from him, Sam and Dean are no longer the kids who crammed toy army men into the ashtray of the Impala, or even the young men who went looking for him in the pilot. They’ve grown up. Their lives, quite simply, have changed. The same can be said of the actors themselves. In fact, Ackles is currently two years older than Morgan was when he filmed the pilot. “That’s how full circle it all is,” Morgan says. “Like a father would be, I’m very proud of the guys. It makes me get choked up because they’ve done so well here. Episode 300? That’s unheard of.”

As for how John comes back, let’s just say things get weird — don’t they always? — and there’s an altered reality at play. “Our guys are put in a position where they essentially can have a wish granted,” Dabb says. “They’re actually expecting something else, but [John’s return] comes from a place of want by Dean. The need for closure is really what brings John back into their lives.” But John isn’t the only person who comes back into their lives. As with any altered reality, not everything changes for the good. Without getting too specific, whatever brings John back also causes the return of Zachariah (Kurt Fuller), the no-BS angel who saw Sam and Dean as nothing more than thorns in his side. (Like Kripke said, angels are dicks!) Speaking of angels, this reality also affects Castiel in… certain ways. This time the boys are dealing with a different (though not entirely unfamiliar) version of their friend.

But for Morgan, who’s been asked for years about returning, it has always been about bringing John back in the right way. “The relationships between these three men were so open, so if I was going to come back, it would be nice to have some closure, especially with Sammy,” Morgan says. And before the hour’s over, both boys will get a moment alone with Dad. “This episode gives Sam a chance to forgive,” Padalecki says. Ackles adds, “For Dean, the whole episode is a dream that he doesn’t want to wake up from. But he knows he has to.”

Back in the bunker’s kitchen where Padalecki declared “reunion time” just hours ago, Sam and Dean are sitting around a table sharing a bottle of whiskey with their father and catching him up on everything he’s missed. Yes, they’ve saved the world (more than once). Yes, Lucifer has a son. But most important, John’s late wife, Mary — the woman he spent his life trying to avenge — is alive. Right then Mary rounds the corner for the moment she never saw coming, but in a strange way has always been waiting for. “Everything’s right in the world in this bubble of time,” Samantha Smith, who plays Mary, says of the couple’s reunion. “It’s very romantic.”

But as the Winchesters know a bit too well, all good things must come to an end. And when this is said and done, Sam and Dean will return to their life, driving down crazy street next to each other. Because despite the show hitting 300 episodes, nobody’s ready to call it quits just yet. “I don’t think we’re ready to throw in the towel,” Ackles says. “We’ve still got a little gas in the tank.” Put another way, Sam and Dean still got work to do.

[impala-dreamer]

The Chosen - FAQ

Just a little info so you can understand what’s happening if you were wondering. 

Q: WTF is going on?

A: The most epic and creative thing you’ve ever experienced on Tumblr.

The Chosen is a new SPN fanfic event conceived, written, and performed by @covered-byroses and @impala-dreamer.

The reader-interactive story consists of role play over four blogs ( @covered-byroses @impala-dreamer @archangelmichael-yoursavior and @sam-wnchester ) following Michael and Beka's interesting relationship from beginning to end. You may role play with Michael on his blog, but only within the context of The Chosen universe. He will not role play with you otherwise and you cannot start your own story line with him. This goes for Sam as well. Beka will not rp with you, but you may scream at her or ask questions.

The role play directly follows and enhances the story, and the Masterlist may be found here.

The story follows Michael and his mission. He was come over to our world to destroy and rebuild, and he's chosen a few souls to help him do so. This is their story.

This universe and our interpretation of Michael is our canon compliant au, and while we do use Michael!Dean, and you will see Sam, Castiel, Dean, Jack, and perhaps a few others...there are no spoilers for s14 of SPN other than Michael possessing Dean. We do not rewrite episodes and we have our own timeline that we follow. Our universe is vast and unique, consisting of Original Characters and Canon Characters. There will be full fics, drabbles, time stamps, any and all things, that will follow a variety of characters in their journey.

Q: Can I get in on this?

A: Sort of. You can rp with Michael based on our story. However, please see his rules here. Sam is always up to chat.

PLEASE DO NOT ATTEMPT TO START YOUR OWN STORY LINE WITH MICHAEL OR SAM. THEY WILL NOT ENGAGE WITH YOU IF YOU DO SO. 

You can ask Beka or Kelly questions (in character or behind the scenes is fine. But they won’t rp with you.) As far as writing with us/for our series, no, thank you. We already have two psycho cooks in the kitchen :)

Q: Can I write a story based on yours?

A: Yes! Fanfic/art based on our fanfic is the most flattering thing you can do. We only ask that you realize...your story will in no way affect the story line or become part of our universe. Just as our story will never be SPN canon, yours will not be Chosen canon. Please add in your A/N that your fic was inspired by our story… and please tag us both! We’d love to see it!

Q: How did this happen?

A: I have no idea. There was whiskey involved, I’m pretty sure.

Q: How can we read everything?

A: The Chosen Masterlist has everything including the hashtags that we used on each blog, and will be updated continually. 

Q: I sent Michael asks and he hasn’t answered.

A: He gets a LOT of asks and he tries to answer in order. Also, if you do not follow his rules, your prayers will be deleted. This is supposed to be fun, and a lot of people are trying to abuse this. It’s not a therapy blog or a sexting event. Sorry. Rebekah is the only one that gets to shag the Angel. ;)

Q: How long will this go on?

A: Indefinitely. While Kelly and I are still going to write our usual stuff, this series has no expiration date and will continue for as long as we want. As long as it is still fun for us and the muse is with us...it will continue. We will still be writing non-Chosen works.

Q: Can u explain xyz?

A: Yes. But I’m not going to explain it 1000x. Most of your answers can be found by reading the story. Masterlist is here.

Q: Mike is kinda mean.

A: Well, he's a bad guy. And his name is Michael.

Q: Beka is kinda mean sometimes, too.

A: Yeah, she went dark side. Please read the fic and you’ll understand. If you want to speak directly to Dark!Beka, you may address her as Rebekah.

Q; Why does Michael call you his love if you say it’s not romantic?

A: Please read the fic.

Q: Is Dean ever coming back?

A: Please read the fic.

Q: Will this ever be a Reader/XCharacter romantic fic?

A: No. While many characters may become sexually entangled with one another, there will be no traditional romance in this story. It will never become a Reader/X or Michael/Reader, etc. If any adult activities occur, they will be for a reason, used to advance the story, not just to be porn.

Q: Can we talk to you guys about this if we have questions?

A: Absolutely! Every writer wants to talk about their stories and we are super excited any time anyone asks us anything. Just, be kind. We are sensitive beans. Also, there’s an Archangel on my shoulder and he will smite you if you make me cry. 

Q: This is the most self-indulgent crap I’ve ever seen and I don’t like it.

A: Cool. You can unfollow us anytime you’d like. This is something Kelly and I are extremely excited about and we are having fun with it. And fun, in case you forget, is the entire reason you get into Fanfic and Fandom in the first place. Just because we chose to base characters off of ourselves and place them in a story is no reason to get nasty with jealousy. Michael wouldn’t like you anyway because you’re an ass.

Q: I love you.

A: I love you too. 

Q: Are you out of questions again? You’re really bad at ending FAQs, Bek.

A: Yes. Yes I am. Beka out.

[lil-miss-methodical]

Season two has recently dropped and they’re stronger than ever. They’ve graduated into story form, taking our archetypes and fleshing them out a bit while still keeping the center that makes them so damn relatable.

This season the theme of looking back to understand the now was still very present, but this time instead of it being about the individual black person it was about our history in a collective form. This concept of an elite black society is hopeful and beautiful and I hope they go good places with it, they’ve set up the work to go good places with it.

I could speak on the genius of the soundtrack, the ridiculous awesomeness of that directing and camera work but we all know about that good shit. So instead I wanna focus on something I don’t think everyone understands. The messages.

To understand the main message of this season, I think its imperative to understand season one. When the show first came out the characters were archetypes of black people. Those people we become in America because of the race relations, how those things affect who we are, how they are heavily leading in our make up.

-   The mixed woman that over compensates for her white genetics. - The unappreciated/overlooked black woman - The black woman who hates living the black struggle - The outlier black (woman) - The carefree light skinned boy - The black (boy) who does not understand surface black culture - The moldable black (boy) who seems to fit in both worlds but finds himself comfortable in neither - The African (male) who has not lived the African American experience - The strong headed black man - The white (man) who means well

The first season presented us with this group and then put them in a position where they had to not only interact with white but with one another as well. The former is important because the interactions with the white is to show the everyday, on ever level, shit blacks have to put up with when it comes to race relations. The latter is important because its where the message hides. We watch these black students maneuver, all wanting a bit of the same thing but they hack away at one another constantly at ends with each other. Judging one another and always finding the other not worthy. We’re at constant stage of eliminating who gets to be apart of our black circle - even when it comes to other blacks (terms like Revoked and Cancelled) (we also have ‘you’re uninvited to the cookout’ for all other none blacks). But season one is not about mending fences with the non blacks, thats not the imagery they leave you with. No, season one presents us with this concept that we pick one another apart and instead of using our differences to get to where we're trying to go we often let it distance us, causing distinction between us as a whole. It highlights how we don’t give our people enough empathy while giving them this perspective lens that allows their story to be told from their view, showing them in their rawest most vulnerable moments. Its through the honest moments that the characters themselves start to understand one another.

So season one had two jobs - highlight our separation which is a problem for our people, and also frame them in a way that leads us to empathize and understand the character the best. Now the genius in this last part is they didn’t only do this by giving characters perspective views…but in also not giving them one. For example Joelle presents the unappreciated/overlooked black woman. In season one we get the close up moments of her in other peoples story. We see her overlooked but we really feel it when she doesn’t get her own episode. When she gets her episode this season, its everything. We’ve already built this bond of understanding and empathy with her, there is no outcry of - she’s just low-key jealous, because we’ve been there with her, we know for a fact that she has been overlooked. So again first seasons job is to get us to see our separation and open black people u so we can start to understand one another. The ending leaves us with a taste of seasons two’s mission as Sam sits beside Coco - our two characters that has had the greatest distinction and who knew each other the most but lacked empathy and understanding for each other the most - and she ask “how did the two of us get pitted against one another?”

So season two took on the path to presenting unity (its necessity for our people from one another) and also reenforcing that we as black people actively choose to be for our people, we can all be an asset for our people, no matter what archetype we fit into.

- Sam with her light skinned privilege can us that privilege for her own selfish rise or be a voice for blacks in avenues they can't obtain. - Joelle can let the bitterness of being unappreciated consume her and leave her stagnant or she can push on and keep fighting for her people. - Coco can dream of the white reality or she can look at her own path and realize her obstacles and use all the means necessary to get through or over those obstacles. People like that are the ones to see the obstacles and if they have the drive and the ambition they usually end up being the pocket runner for the culture. - A black man like Lionel can use his lack of education on black culture as an excuse of how he's not tied to its people or he can listen, learn, and still do right by his people (in this case its printing the truth and searching for the truth despite others telling him not to) - A black man like Reggie is seen as a threat and therefore expendable by other races because he's unapologetically black (and educated) and so he bares a brunt of being mistreated. He could let that turn him into what they consider him (a violent animal with no control) or he can stick to the guys of who he really is and excels to be and reach heights for himself and our people (which is the real threat he presents). - A man as moldable and as transitional as Troy can be the black best weapon or their biggest let down (because they can be molded into something for the opposing side). They have to find out who they are, what they want, and learn to use that skill to the best of their ability. - A white person can be well meaning...and problematic. Their job is to continue to question how or why they do or don't do something without assuming or speaking for the black community.

This season showed us their fears - being another dead black man, using her privilege against her people, not understanding and therefore not fitting into either world, being damage and trash to everyone around him, not being chosen always being second string, not achieving being just another marker in the world, being racist. And all these fears correlates to their identities as black people and at least for now none of them have given into or allowed themselves to be overcome with that fear. We see them try to push through and work together on small individual levels as well as the big scheme.

Oh course we are not insta friends. Of course theres still irks, but theres also the reminder to be mindful. When we sit amongst one another trying to come to a solution, don’t cross lines. Coco and Sam aren’t besties…but then what they have is deeper than that. They understand their roles in each others life and how they challenge one another for good instead of bad. Scenes with Coco and Sam feel very different than ones with Coco and Muffy. But Coco & puffy is a pairing that rarely ever work as a success - something else that was shown this season where in Muffy got the invite into the group and Coco of course didn’t. But they presented us with teams that did work - on individual and a mass levels…

Joelle & Coco trying to make Sam feel better and support her: Both admit their form of loving her is different but both can be good for her. Joelle and Sam radio partners: I love seeing Joelle in this light once she got to actually work instead of the friction of not being able to get a point in. Such an amazing concept because this is already how they communicate. Reggie and the Dean - booooy didn't see that one coming til it did, and it was brilliant. The Dean and reggie have different perspective of how to get to the end game, you never expect for their shit to be this damn powerful, but it was. If his treatment of his son and his give in nature to white people made me dislike the Dean, his treatment of Reggie made me question my view of him. Kelsey and Coco: They spent all season letting you down play Kelsey and then showed you just how shitty of a thing that was by showing how giving and great and at peace she is with who she is. Reggie and Troy: I really like the concept of Reggie and Troy being friends. They’re that different line again because the belief that someone like Reggie can respect someone like Troy. Everyone helping Troy realize how horrible of a person he can be: This sounds bad, but the raw honest truth he got in this episode from his old friends…is blessing. They were willing to give it to him in a time when he needed, a time he came in search of it, ready to actually take it in. Which led him to being able to be honest with himself and his own father. Brooke and Lionel: The great thing behind the Brooke and Lionel pair is there highlight on ‘crab in a barrel’ mentality. We’ve all grown up hearing it. This concept that we as black will try to get ahead stepping on, climbing ver, or shutting other blacks out because the opening is so narrow and theres only room enough for one of us. Tho here you have them admitting that they’re getting caught up, but they don’t have to. They can both reap success by working together. Lionel and Sam: I love Lionel and Sam together because the association of them being able to understand one another because of their shared experience of once feeling on the outside of black community/culture. Her because she’s mixed, and him because his lack of shared cultured knowledge and experiences. Theres this primal part of them that understands one another, this need and desire to belong. There is a lack of judgment and fake between them. And of course the main core scheme that took just about all the black faculty: What I loved about this twist - of coming in and sitting instead outside and rallying - is that it faces Rikki with all the blacks she’s hurting. It forces her into a place of having to face that while also not letting her voice get to the other side. She doesn’t have to face the entire of their ire with them outside, they’d just be a jumble of sounds she would us as an example of why they’re unacceptable. This group of black people coming together, its not derogatory, its not shady. They sit there in silence and allow their faces to show how unimpressed they are. And of course the secret black society which is a unity in itself

This season did a great job of pushing the theme throughout the plot, intertwining it into the plot and the characters themselves. They tease us again with the possible message of next season, which I cant wait to see.

Highlights/Moments I loved: Kelsey’s entire flourish. I was genuinely disgusted by how I thought of her last season compared to this season. They did a wonderful job of presented who she was without giving her her own episode and I’m hoping they elevate her up to main core. I liked her and Coco together - it was another pair that seem to have nothing in common but mixed so well. 

The reality of Al. Everyone sits around and talk about how they hate Sam for this reason or that, but the shows us how biased we are in the terms of men and women, def light skinned blacks. Because the show is very frank and raw with Sam and her behaviors, but they’ll allow Al to do something reproachable and the audience doesn’t reproach him at all. No complaints about his apparent colorism - I don’t ya’ll didn’t think oh boy out Joelle in small print at the bottom of the page with half of her face covered with bacon because she was ‘new’ to the team. Its not just the problematic its this aspect of freedom of just being a standard we have for the girls but not the boys. Its the same with the dark skinned counterparts.

Rikki: She was just so formidable. So unapologetic and fearfully the shit she said made sense. She exemplified the concept that we black people can view things in so many ways and use that thing to allow us to be who we choose to be. We’re so use to the rhetoric of those blacks that choose that side are lost, ill-informed and know-no-better. Thats in part in think because we as black people don’t want to settle into the reality of our own rejecting us. Look at the thing we Kanye West - he’s in the sunken place we say, he knows nothing of politics we say, those around him has influenced him, he’s lost his way. We don’t take it well when our own reject us, which is understandable - we want there to be a great reason for the chaos. But with Rikki thats not the case. She is well educated, well informed on both sides, she is calm and deliberate. Sam doesn’t know what to do with her at all. Tessa does a great job with Rikki. 

I always love in part what they do with Troy - last season they presented a black man conformable in his own sexuality - he is unbothered and unthreatened by Lionel’s. This season they give this black man a journey of self discovery. I don’t think blacks get presented with that imagery enough, def not black men. Getting in touch with yourself, waddling through your own shit, and the shit you’ve out others through. Letting them tell you what was wrong and processing that. Troy is a lost black male and it is imperative that he finds himself, that someone with his gift finds themselves. 

The line: “Yes! Slaves being clever and shit!” I love this line because I’ve always felt that we forget how brilliant a mind slaves had to have We get so boggled on the aspect of the cruelty the were in - understandably, but we forget that they had to create secret ways to communicate and exist. They literally had to be creative and shit and they get no shine for that. 

Two young black people being on an adventure. 

Blacks being passionate about whatever they’re doing - Sam with the radio, Lionel with writing, Joelle with anatomy, Troy with comedy

The aspect of black female friendship and supporting another woman having the moment be uncontested and just about another woman needs. We support everyone but enough medias don’t show that. 

The view of understanding ones own past, and then also understand the past of our people, which is often hidden, erased, or retold to better someone else - Listen pay attention and watch closely 

This aspect that we are human, we laugh, we shade, we’re flawed, we try, we fail and succeed, and the things others do hurt us and we should not have to pour that shit out there to the ones who want to see us hurt for people to be able to establish that we have these traits.

The concept that it is understandable to be any of these kind of black people, that there is greatness to be found in our brokenness and our lost. The presentation that we should have empathy for one another, to seek understanding instead of being so easily moved to hate because at the core we all want the same thing, fight individually for the same thing - to alleviate ourself of the reality of the black struggle, of being hated, and that feeling of being in quicksand with not enough people caring to help us get out. We have us - and in the end that can get us hella far.

[nerdylittleshit]

Thoughts about Spn 13x22

SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS!

This was… an episode. I don’t really have an opinion on it. It wasn’t bad but it wasn’t outstanding either. And strangely enough I got the feeling that not much happened. Or rather the things that did happen were to be expected at this point in story. The one thing however that I noticed is that Bucklemming still have a problem with the pacing. And something that keeps happening with all of their episodes, that I never noticed with any other writer, is that their episodes always feel incredible long, and despite the fact that they try to cram in as much plot/characters as they can at times also incredible boring. Or maybe it is the fact that most of the screentime went to Lucifer, doing what he likes best, talking about himself, but somehow I couldn’t warm up with this episode.

The other thing I noticed is that we end the episode in a relatively happy place. The family is reunited, everyone is safe in the bunker. Last year the penultimate episode ended with a Winchester family hug. We all remember however how season 12 ended, so if there is a pattern to be seen, 13x23 will leave us in tears. I’m scared.

Until then though let’s have a closer look at this week’s episode.

Make Room For Daddy

The meeting between Lucifer and Jack has been inevitable all season long. And though Lucifer has been the one actively looking for his son it makes sense that Jack has an interest in meeting his father as well. So far he has only heard stories but he wants to form his own opinion. Naturally Sam, Dean and Cas want to avoid this. They know that if anything Lucifer has his way with words and can be very convincing. We have seen in the past the way he was able to bring several people to say “yes” to him. But with trying to keep Jack away from Lucifer they only play into his cards. Lucifer portrays himself as the victim, the way he always did, and by trying to keep Jack away from his father they confirm this story. I think that Mary, who by now has spent several months with Jack, is right here. It is impossible to keep Lucifer from Jack, and Jack has a right to get to know his father after all. She trusts Jack however to come to his own conclusion about the true nature of Lucifer. Mary knows Jack, knows his good heart, and that Jack in time will see right through Lucifer.

One of the problems is that Sam, Dean, Cas and Gabriel tell Jack how truly evil Lucifer is, but they leave it at this very vague point, without giving him concrete examples. Lucifer has (seemingly) killed Gabriel, killed Cas, tried to kill Kelly, has tortured and abused both Sam and Rowena, and of course killed the later even twice. I’m sure I forgot something, but the point is does Jack know about this? Did they sanitize the stories about Lucifer for Jack, keeping them as vague as possible? Because somehow I doubt Jack would have had an interest in talking to him if he knew about all of this.

I also think we can officially stop worrying about Lucifer getting a redemption arc. There are quite a few characters who did get a redemption arc this season: Ketch, Gabriel, Rowena. What they all have in common is their will to change. Ketch redeemed himself in the other world, risking his own life to help strangers. Both Gabriel and Rowena stopped running away, both stopped acting selfish. And that is exactly what Lucifer is incapable of doing. The entire time he only talks about himself. He never shows responsibility for his actions. Instead he blames humanity, who in his eyes is flawed and weak, and asked to be corrupted. He blames his father. He plays the victim because that is the only role he knows.

In the end it is Gabriel who tells him who he truly is. Someone incapable of love and empathy, a cancer cell that ruined humanity forever. We see that Gabriel’s words do affect Lucifer; he starts crying. But by the end of the episode he once again proves that he has learned nothing. He is willing to let Michael destroy another world, not caring about the humans in it, just to be reunited with his son. And it shows that he doesn’t know a single thing about his son either, because all Jack wants is to keep these people save that Lucifer has now doomed.

Speaking of Michael I still wonder what his goal here is. Does he want to destroy another world? What for? I hope the season finale will give us an answer what Michael really wants. The only way I see Jack working together with Lucifer is also because the two together could be powerful enough to kill Michael.  But will they? Say we get Michael!Dean that could be a reason why Jack won’t kill Michael yet, because he would kill Dean as well. To be honest I rather see Lucifer gone and Michael as the big bad next season.

And then of course there is also heaven’s current situation that will play a role in the next season. Cas suggested Gabriel as a new leader, but it is possible AU!Michael will be in charge next season. He and Jack are the only two powerful enough to create new angels (besides God, but I wouldn’t count on him). The question though is not the power but the “how”. It’s not that a manual for creating new angels is lying around.

I am also not surprised that we saw Gabriel dying again. I’m still not sure why they brought him back in the first place to be honest. His entire arc has been in the end very similar to how his story once seemingly ended in season 5. He stopped running away, took humanity’s side, faced one of his brothers, and paid with his own life, all to help the Winchesters. It is a repeat of his season 5 storyline (minus the torture & abuse), but then again so much about the apocalypse world is a parallel to season 5 and especially 5x04. So much that even Sam & Dean said “We’ve been where you are. Hell, we are you”. We will always end up here.

There must be some kind of way outta here

Right at the beginning of the episode Sam and Dean have to face a moral conflict they haven’t really thought about yet: the fate of the people in the apocalypse world. Until now their plan was to get Mary and Jack and bring them back to our world. What they didn’t consider was the fact that by now both Mary and Jack have become part of the resistance, found their purpose in that other world and are not willing to leave their friends behind.

Because I have already seen some hate towards Mary for her decision to stay: she doesn’t act selfish, rather the opposite. She gives up the chance to be reunited with her sons because she couldn’t live with herself if she would abandon the people she fought with over the past months. She gives up her own chance of happiness in order to help others. Which is basically what Sam & Dean have been doing their entire life. Giving up their own chance to live a normal life, to be safe, so that others can.

It is interesting then how different Dean & Sam react. Because Dean is tired of giving up, tired of sacrifices. And we can’t blame him. This season alone he has lost Cas, his mother, Jack, and minutes ago Sam. He sees everything they have lost and it doesn’t match up. This is also another instance of want vs need. Dean says they need Mary, but the truth is that they don’t. They are no longer children and they have lived the biggest part of their lives without a mother. He wants his mother, and that is the difference. Wanting something or someone for your own, acting selfish for once, is not a bad thing, at least not for Dean, who always prioritized everyone else’s needs over his own. It is okay that he for once wants something for himself.

Sam on the other side sees Mary’s perspective. He has been the one suffering the most under her loss, finding her was his win. He should be devastated to learn that she doesn’t want to leave, yet he comes up with a plan. (And you can see Dean doing the maths, coming to the conclusion that with so many people in the bunker, he has to share a bed with Cas now, there is no other way) Overall this has been a positive episode for Sam. Dean takes the blame from him for bringing Lucifer to the camp, telling him there is nothing to apologize for. And he regains some agency towards Lucifer, as he is the one in the end making sure Lucifer won’t come back with them. He also for once wore some nice clothes, so that’s another bonus. And he got to hug Charlie, before he remembered that she doesn’t know him, resulting in one of the cutest Sam scenes we have seen lately.

The other thing that by now was kinda inevitable was that we would see an alternative version of Cas. There had been already some speculation after 13x18 if one of the angels we saw could have been Cas, but it makes sense that Cas has the same vessel, given that Jimmy Novak was a devout man. However… the accent. Which I honestly don’t get? Why would this Cas speak with another accent than our Cas? My first thought was that he sounded Russian, but the term that I have seen the most on my dash by now is “Nazi Cas” (which basically means Hitler’s speaking pattern, with a huge focus on the “r” because the normal German accent doesn’t sound like that). So maybe the accent was used that we would associate the angels in the other world with Nazis? Making a political statement as the US becomes more right-winged every day. I would love to know if this was mentioned in the script or if it was Misha’s choice. Still, I think they could have done without the accent. Different outfit, different behaviour, we would have already knew that this wasn’t our Cas. And remember 4x20? Within seconds we knew it wasn’t Cas talking to Sam & Dean. Misha is a good enough actor that he can do without the accents.

What I love is that they did keep consistent with the AU characters. Bobby and Charlie are pretty much the same as the ones from our world, because the Winchesters didn’t influence them as much. Bobby was already a hunter when he met them (and John), Charlie was always a rebel. Kevin and Cas however were influenced a great deal by Sam and Dean. Cas has fallen in every way imaginable, has rebelled against his angelic family and chosen the Winchesters as his new family time and time again. However we did learn in 8x21 that Cas has always been a rebel, that he never did as he was told. He has never been in fact a perfect soldier. But in that episode we also learned that Naomi brainwashed him multiple times and it is possible that exactly this happened in the other world. Cas was always a rebel, but it took Sam & Dean for him to finally break free from heaven.

The one line that stood out to me was AU Cas saying “Don’t think you are better than me” in reference to Cas supporting humanity. Which is odd considering most angels see humans as weak and flawed. So why would AU Cas think of our Cas as someone above him, knowing our Cas is helping humanity? Is it possible that AU Cas was jealous of our Cas? That he wished he could have been strong enough to step away from heaven as well, to help the humans in his world? I like to believe that AU Cas had some rebellious nature as well, but that centuries of brainwashing resulted in the cold torture machine that we saw.

And AU Cas torturing Charlie by invading her mind mirrors of course the scene where our Cas does the same with the traitor in the camp. The only difference is that our Cas stopped before the damage would be too much. But looking back at 13x14 we know how far he is willing to go to protect the people he loves. AU Cas says they are the same, and in some ways they are. They are both ruthless when it comes to their individual cause. In the end however Cas killing the other version of him, the angelic soldier Cas, was a huge metaphor for Cas killing his old self. Not subtle but nevertheless satisfying.

And that is all for this week. So long and good night.